Blog Posts
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This weekend I devoured Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey’s book, “What Happened to You: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.” The succinct case studies Perry described intersected with Winfrey’s poignant debrief questions created an expected rhythm in each chapter while incorporating digestible (and understandable) neuroscience facts (basically breaking down how the brain works and why it’s relevant for relationship-building).
I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It offers a paradigm shift in how we approach our understanding of why and how someone behaves is in direct relationship with their past experiences and worldview. It’s a matter of both correlation and causation. Three principles I’ve extracted from this read are: be present, be intentional, and be rhythmic in building and maintaining relationships.
Be Present
We live in a distracted society. If we are not being fully present with someone, we are sending them the message: You aren’t important enough to hold my attention. Dismissiveness is creating both disconnection with and detachment from others. As a result, we are seeing more maladaptive behaviors such as people seeking forms of unhealthy attention-seeking, self-sabotaging, and self-destructive behavior. Oprah points out on page 258: “Isolation and loneliness are an epidemic.” Perry agrees and describes how social media connections are often “hollow.” Authentic connectedness is getting better at listening and reflecting; at having more interactions with people who are different from you. The challenge I walk away with is: Pay attention to, focus on, and learn about relationships. This is being present.
Questions to ask yourself about being present:
What does active listening look like for me? For them?
How do I practice reflective listening in my relationships?
What does support look like to them (relationships)?
How can I nurture them (relationships)?
Be Intentional
Maya Angelou always said, “You teach people how to treat you.” Everyone’s life is busy. We have different challenges and demands. If we are intentional to understand our own patterns of routine and rhythm, we can in turn be intentional in the way we improve how we treat ourselves and others. It may be that we incorporate more rest, exercise, and entertainment to regulate better; or it could be that we cut down on these things. Intentionally engaging in regulating and relating ways with others can be profoundly healing to them; to know that someone is invested and cares to be present and to play witness.
Questions to ask yourself about your intentionality:
How is my schedule impacting how I am intentional with others?
What is my intention in doing this?
What does safety look like to them?
How can I make them feel seen? Heard?
Be Rhythmic
The power of rhythm is undervalued in our understanding of resilience, regulation, and relating to others. Perry points out that there is significant research and history that showcases how regulating one’s rhythm through dancing, shooting hoops, doing needlepoint, walking, drumming, etc. is a significant way to have control over how to create space to recover and process. The power of rhythm comes into play when we want to connect with others in their ongoing stress, distress, and trauma. Perry writes, “Instead of saying, ‘Hey, tell me what you’re thinking about,’ you need to let them control when and how much they’re going to talk.” (Page 198). Be present and be intentional in how you engage others in their routine and rhythms.
Questions to ask yourself about rhythms:
How do I self-regulate?
What about my routine grounds me, centers me, calms me?
What are some other activities I can explore to incorporate into my regulating routine?
What are some activities that work well for me that I can suggest others try for themselves?
Ultimately the claim posited by Perry and Winfrey is that if we shift our approach to asking others, “What happened to you” instead of “What’s wrong with you,” we have the ability to create spaces for understanding, resilience-building, and growth in community.
In my forthcoming book, “Belonging Beyond Borders,” I explore these concepts more deeply. In each chapter I offer a self-guided reflection exercise and debrief questions to consider how to belong more holistically not only to self but also to others. Perry writes on page 203, “Most healing happens in community… a healing community is full of hope because it has seen its own people weather – survive and thrive.”
I love this quote because I offer in one of my chapters, “Hope is not passive. It’s active. When you’re hoping, you don’t wish for something; you work and do your part in expectation that things will work out for your good and well-being. We can foster hope and nurture it, but it also involves other people, places, and even possessions—all external forces outside of our internal hoping. Hope takes a willful commitment to be uncomfortable and to seek discomfort. Hope will get you to speak when others say be quiet, to stand when others say sit down.”
Relational wealth and health involves being present, being intentional, and being rhythmic. If you would like to be aware of when my book is released, please connect with me at adultthirdculturekid.com.
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What is your TCK story?
My story starts in Nigeria, Lagos to be exact. I am the second of four siblings and a Nigerian by fire and force (as my fellow Nigerians love to say). Growing up, my father travelled frequently as he was highly involved in academics and that was one of the stipulations of his occupation. However, I wasn't expecting my parents to announce to the then seven-year-old me that we would be permanently moving to South Africa, where my father had been stationed for a few months. It's been thirteen years now, and I am still getting used to the culture and languages here, but with each passing year, it has been slightly better.
What have been some of the benefits/strengths and challenges in your TCK journey that you'd be willing to share?
One huge benefit that stands out for me is that people (for most part) enjoy asking me about my country and my culture. Since South Africa is a ‘rainbow nation’ filled with diverse cultures and languages, I sometimes manage to fit in an ‘exotic/unclassified’ niche. Basically, I would be asked the same questions as a Malay whose family has stayed in SA for the past five succeeding generations, but still looks ‘different’. However, Nigerians do not have a particularly good reputation in SA, and so I do meet people who would rather ‘judge a book by its cover’, and to those people I try to stress through my actions that a nationality is just a place of birth, legal identity and ancestry, and that an individual should be assessed by their own characteristics and not judged by preconceived notion.
As with the challenges, there have been many negative experiences I have faced, specifically as an African TCK who still resides in Africa, albeit on the other side of the continent. It would have been better if I was a TCK in Ghana, for example. Ghana is still a part of West Africa, hence the accent, culture, traditions, food, languages etc are still strikingly similar. This is something often seen in Africa. The countries of Northern Africa are similar in their cultures, traditions and religion; and so it is in the West, East and South. I should think the same rule of thumb will apply to Europe as well. Hence, South Africa is vastly different to any country in West Africa, especially when it comes to culture.
For one, I have been faced with hostility due to the fact that I don’t necessarily speak the local African language(s). People tend to think that this is disrespectful; I am in their land, so I must surely know how to speak their language; this mentality, unfortunately, is usually only applied to African TCKs by South African blacks; it is not something a non-African TCK would frequently complain about.
A second challenge has been the weird accent I have acquired. It is somewhat a sign of my failure at accclimizating, and shows a syncretism of some sort that I have managed to achieve, quite unintentionally, after my stay here. Consequently, I have an accent that is not Nigerian enough to be Nigerian, and not South African enough to be South African. Due to bullying I acquired in my primary school because of the said accent, I often have an habit of fumbling unintentionally over my words when I am in a conversion with a non-black South African (the primary school I had gone to had been attended mostly by whites), and I also have the same tendency to stumble over my words when reading aloud; when I am alone or around people I am comfortable with my calm is quickly restored.
The problem with my accent is merely an outward show of an inward identity crisis. I am now too ‘westernized’ to fit nicely into the Nigerian culture, but I am still too ‘uptight’ to fit into a very westernized South Africa. I have been called out by both a Nigerian and a South African for being disrespectful (in an African sort of way) when it wasn’t my intention to be. In both cases, I was just being ‘me’, you know, the me which tries hard to conform to two vastly different cultures while pleasing both sides at the same time, and in both cases, I had failed ... miserably.
What is a food, a smell, a song, etc. that immediately brings you back to a certain point in your life and makes you feel at home?
Jollof rice! I must say, jollof rice reminds me of home and Nigerian restaurants, and also to mention any other food, save for jollof rice, would be almost akin to forsaking my Nigerian identity (and while I am here, I must also mention that Nigerian jollof is better than Ghanian!).
A smell that reminds me of home would probably be the smell of palm oil burning on a stove or any of our traditional soups like ogbono or egusi. Songs ... definitely church choruses, especially ones that have the characteristic Nigerian interjections (oo! ee! etc), a splash of pidgin, and aggressive rhythmic clapping (which is probably why people say Nigerians have hard hands, we improvise our drumming in church with our hands!).
How can older ATCKs support/invest in younger TCKs?
Definitely give them space to speak of their troubles, and also provide needful advice. Being a younger TCK, I wish I had someone who had gone through a similar experience with whom I could speak to. I never did find someone like that though, and what I do know now has been through a messy run of ‘trial and error’. In effect, there are many things I could have done differently if I had known better that would have affected me more positively today.
What would you like to say to your younger TCK self? Advice? Bible verses? Truths?
Don’t try to become someone you are not, it only leads to trouble and heartache; if you don’t fit into a group now, wait on it and try again later, forcing the process is a dangerous thing to do. Truly, as a TCK, you will soon find that you can never truly fit in; not in all areas, at least. Oh, you could come close to it, but you’ll never be fully there! Rather take your comfort in the Lord and His Word. Above all, you are a citizen of heaven before you are a citizen of any country. Take joy in the fact that God’s kingdom is made up of diverse people from different tribes, tongues and races, and you are one of them too! It took me a long time, but the friends I have now, and those who have stayed with me, are friends that I acquired through worship and prayer meetings etc. True Christians don’t care what country you are from, you are simply their brother/sister in Christ!
Also, don’t abandon your time with God, men will always fail you in one way or the other, but Christ promises in Matthews 28:20 that He is with you always, even to the end of the world! Always remember to commit your ways to the Lord, He makes your time count. Whether you need a friend, want to play the piano better, want to get a book written, or want to neglect a bad habit, going through it your way will make the passage of time excruciatingly obvious, but when you commit your way to the Lord, He will direct your path and lead you in His timing.
Lastly, keep your minds busy on things that matter! Work, studies, position etc. are all things necessary to put food on the table; but laughter, family, literature, friends, music are what make life colorful and worth living; and neither of those care if you are a TCK or not!
Why have you decided to be a part of the TCKs for Christ team? What do you hope for this platform?
I joined the TCK for Christ team as a staff writer because I thought (and still do!) that the team was doing something that mattered! A lot of TCKs, like me, are suffering from bad memories and emotional trauma that need to be addressed. We had gone through experiences that other TCKs/future TCKs could avoid or better manage if they are given a better approach.
What is a resource or type of care that you would like to see provided for/offered to TCKs in the future?
Definitely more online Christian help groups like TCKs for Christ. Maybe a magazine/journal/podcast specifically targeting Christian TCKs. Anything really that encourages fellowship and oneness across borders!
Website link - TCKsforChrist.com
Email List link - https://tcksforchrist.com/resources/exclusive-content/What is TCKs for Christ?
TCKs for Christ is a website ministry that strives to serve, encourage, and challenge teenage Christian third culture kids and young adult TCKs. These include missionary kids, business kids, cross-cultural kids, mixed-cultural kids, diplomat kids, etc.
The TCK life has its struggles and challenges, and TCKs for Christ desires to encourage a TCK in truth and to tell them that they are not alone and there’s Someone who cares more than they can ever know. The TCKs for Christ team consists of TCKs writing for young TCKs to motivate them to use their gifts for His kingdom and to live victoriously with a firm identity in Jesus Christ.
Who are TCKs?
Third Culture Kids or TCKs are people who have lived in a culture other than their parents’ or their passport/birth country’s culture during their developmental years or years before adulthood.
Does TCKs for Christ have an Email List?
Yes, they do! Upon signing up, you will receive exclusive content of one TCK letter and one newsletter per month in your inbox.
The TCK Letters convey heartfelt experiences through words, in which a few of our writers talk about the struggles and triumphs of their TCK life.
The Monthly Newsletter is a fun, convenient summary of new articles and interviews published on our website for the month.
Interested? Subscribe through their website, TCKsforChrist.com.
Where Could I Connect with Them?
Their social media handle is @TCKsforChrist. Connect with them through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.Description text goes here
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It’s five o’clock on an August Sunday and I feel the weight of the world although I am safe and unharmed on my couch in the sunroom. The screen door is open and I hear the rustling leaves and light traffic on the main road. It’s quiet. It’s unhurried. I’ve just finished a book I bought on Friday and reach for my phone — a default transition habit. Scroll after scroll I am bombarded with the fears, pain, and unknowns of people I know and that I don’t know. I wonder if we as humans were ever designed to consume so much visual and written trauma in one setting (or sitting!) through one medium. As my current world is in relative equilibrium, I feel for those whose worlds are upside down and broken. Granted, I have my own traumas, suffering, and brokenness to navigate and heal from; but in the security of my home and with the freedom and ability within my power, I decide to do what I can to encourage and thank those in my sphere. Perhaps that is the purpose of this moment to brave fear and rage peace.
Encouragement.
As I sit here in comfort and abundance I know that it is my calling in this moment to invest encouragement into others. We are all going through hard things. Our hearts feel dry. Our hearts are hurting. At this moment I am compelled to say “persevere!” I want to scream “how can I help?” At the same time I’m tempted to panic. And yet I look at what is within my reach and my ability – who can I encourage with a word, a smile, a handwritten note? I feel inadequate, but I move bravely and sometimes awkwardly to encourage. To encourage means “to inspire with courage” and so I share hope and my heart in love.
Gratitude.
In this season my heart is awakened to those who anchor me. Who teach me. Who challenge me. Who invite me. Who invest in me. And I am deeply grateful. To build relationships is an extraordinarily brave act. To be vulnerable with a select trusted mentor who helps settle your soul is an extraordinary gift. I am grateful for those who entrust me with their prayer requests, their pain, their hurts. I pray. I am grateful for those who nudge me to reconnect with someone in my sphere who could use a kind word; those whose worlds are collapsing around them and need to know that I see it too. Be grateful for your people.
Purpose.
Am I listening to my soul? Am I encouraging others to listen to theirs? Our souls are crying for purpose and for stability. It is within my power to purposefully pause to grant my soul grace. For the unknowns, the mistakes, the judgments, the assumptions. It is within my power to grant other’s grace. For this is what I know: the world is suffering. There is heartache. Can we commit to grant more grace to each other? Perhaps that is our purpose when we don’t know what else is.
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In the coming days, months, and even years, may we have the courage and commitment to welcome grace more – for both ourselves and for others. May we reach out more to connect intentionally. May we be extraordinarily brave as we wage raging peace on our souls, minds, and bodies.
In these days, may our fear not overwhelm our faith.
I pick up the book again and thumb through the pages. I stop at one of the sentences I’ve underlined. I’m grateful for Ann Voskamp’s words: “Fear is what we feel but brave is what we do.”
Go brave the fear. Each day.
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I’m excited to share with you about the special weekend event, Truth4TCKs 2021, that I’m speaking at! Truth4TCKs 2021 is a virtual conference for teenage and young adult Christian TCKs, whether they be Missionary Kids, Military Kids, Expat Kids, Business Kids, Diplomat Kids, etc. The conference mission strives to bring biblical truth and encouragement regarding the cross-cultural and highly mobile life to TCKs. The conference’s administrative team is made up of teenagers and young adults serving teenagers and young adults. It is not an organization; rather, an organic movement. The theme for this year’s conference is finding what it means to be a global citizen of Heaven.
The title of my sessions is “Belonging Beyond Borders.”
To me the word “borders” are the “bounded” spaces of nation-state boundaries that are politically created, moved, (re)imagined, and (re)mapped. There are over 190 borders on the earth; in other words, over 190 countries. I’m hyper aware of borders and boundaries because of my multiple experiences between them, over them, around them, and through them. As an Adult Third Culture Kid (a Third Culture Kid grown up), I have lived in ten countries and five U.S. states. I’ve crossed many borders in my 30+ years not just for moving, but also because of my love for traveling. It’s a personal goal to visit more countries than my age - I’m just a couple countries behind.
Growing up as a diplomat dependent TCK, every two to three years we would move to a different country. This is why being a Third Culture Kid is a significant part of my identity shaping and even has informed the professional path(s) I’ve chosen to pursue.
For me, the concept of “belonging” to people and to place has shifted and changed over the years. As I think about all the places and communities and people groups to whom I’ve belonged, different faces and objects and environments come to mind. I recall that when I lived in Seoul, South Korea one of the communities I belonged to was the Girl Scouts of America (on the Yongsan military base). I belonged to the US military base housing community located to the left of the main gate entrance, which was distinct from the housing community to the right of the gate because that was “North Korea” in my seven-year-old mind. When in Germany, I belonged to two different international schools; for our first year in the country: Bonn International School and for the following two years: Frankfurt International School. In terms of belongings, living in U.S. government owned houses, the furniture never belonged to us; it was always a surprise to see what kind of chairs and tables and sofas we would have upon arrival in a new country. My personal belongings fit into a handful of boxes, which have multiplied over the years and my Dad sometimes comments: “What’s in those?” as I store some of them in their basement. “My childhood belongings,” I reply. I like my belongings. (Thanks for the storage area, Mom and Dad).
Belonging to friends, community, places, professions, and possessions continue to be a journey for me as an Adult Third Culture Kid. And as I work with the next generation of Third Culture Kids as a friend, mentor, advocate, and educator, I want to share some principles of belonging that root deeper and longer than times spent in a certain man-made border.
Professionally speaking, I belong in and to multiple spaces. You’ll see my face across sectors. You’ll see me call myself a TCK Mentor/Advocate, an Intercultural Communication Trainer/Consultant, and English Language Instructor. I’ve got the pieces of papers and letters behind my name that showcase how much time and effort I’ve invested to hold those professional identity titles and roles. I’ll continue to be the chameleon professional showing up at NAFSA: the largest international educator conference and community, showing up at Families in Global Transition (FIGT), showing up at the Society for Intercultural Training, Education, and Research (SIETAR). The thread of commonality is that I do have the personal and professional expertise to adapt myself and my materials and resources to different audiences.
Not too long ago one of my mentors, Dr. Ruth Van Reken, gave me a self-reflection task to help me identify my next right career pivot. She told me to list out everything I am (from personality qualities to strengths and from skills to knowledge/topic expert) and list out everything I am not (from qualities I don’t have --- or at least the ones that make me feel exhausted trying to “be '' and other “expert” claims/roles). This was a helpful exercise in revealing “what lane I’m in'' and where are potential paths I can take in my career trajectory. This exercise reminded me of the French saying, “Quand on connait sa maladie, on est a mortie gueri'' roughly translated: “When you know your sickness, you are halfway cured.” In building my awareness for who I am and who I’m not, provided more clarity and direction about what will suit me both professionally and personally. It also reminded me of my gifts and talents and how I can both invest and cultivate them in different ways.
As an Adult Third Culture Kid, I still wrestle with where and to whom I belong. Sometimes I feel pulled and pushed in different communities; sometimes denied and invited; sometimes spread thin and isolated. I feel like I’m a walking contradiction with all of my paradox belongings and expressions of identity in and through them. In some spaces, communities, and places I am brave; others: quiet. In some believer, in others: doubter. Life for all of us is full of paradoxes. And that’s ok. We are intersectional beings to communities, places, and cultures and we can shift our minds to view these as “productive tensions” instead of pesky paradoxes.
We can be change and continuity. We can be dislodged and rooted. We can be global and local. That’s the power of “and.”
What’s true is that you are a human with multiple identities, roles, and places of belonging. You are a unique human being that offers talent, a listening ear, curiosity, adventure, poise, and love to others. Perhaps you have had a global or cross-cultural upbringing, meaning you may identify as a Third Culture Kid (TCK). Sometimes being a TCK has “carried” you through your circles of belonging to people and to place. But know that you are so much more than “just” a TCK. Don’t let being a TCK be your “issue” or decision or excuse in why you can or can’t belong to people or to a place.
My personal identity and belonging concepts are complex, nuanced, and ever-changing. One steadfast identity marker and belonging root I cultivate is my Christian-faith and personal journey as a Christ-follower. Throughout my life I have been a part of various Christian faith-communities and denominations; a member of various places of worship and practitioner of different faith traditions. It never ceases to amaze me how there are so many different expressions of worship, prayer, sermons, scriptures, and services across “borders.” I grew up and came of age in Christian faith communities that primarily taught me to pray specifically; that way you know it was God who answered it. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in the energy and manifestation of it. I believe in answered prayer, because I have witnessed it.
As I continue to grow spiritually in my Christian faith journey, my prayer practices and patterns change in different seasons of life. I often say quiet prayers throughout the day; sometimes as a meditation, sometimes as a “Hey, God: that was pretty cool what you just did there. Thanks.” Sometimes as short mantras. Sometimes prayer is experienced as ethereal and otherworldly soul flutters. Sometimes my prayers are Bible verses. Sometimes my prayers are offered with others’ words. Sometimes prayer happens in community in call-and-response style liturgy. Sometimes my prayers are whispers under my breath, sometimes spoken aloud in the car, sometimes in the wee hours of the night in my bed, and sometimes when I’m doing yoga in the morning. Sometimes they are wordless prayers as I believe what Mahatma Gandhi said: “It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without heart.” These are prayers of blessing and of declaration; of gratitude and of pleas. These prayers are for you, for me, for the world.
I am compelled to share this because it’s my desire that you know that I have prayed for this event, for the organizers, for the speakers, and for the participants. My prayer is that it is a gathering for you to be encouraged, for you to be affirmed, for you to learn and to be challenged in your own faith journey. As this event explores and unpacks the truths about Christian belonging, may we all settle into some space and silence to prepare our souls, minds, and bodies for the words shared by both speakers and participants.
Have grace for yourself and for others as we listen, receive, learn, and share what it means to belong beyond borders. I’m so grateful for the courage and willingness and grace we will have for ourselves and for each other at this event.
Dates for Truth4TCKs 2021
The virtual conference takes place on May 22 and 23, 2021
Cost of Truth4TCKs 2021
$10 per person.
$17 for the recorded sessions.
Registration for Truth4TCKs 2021
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5 Ways to Increase Your Self-Awareness about Community and the "Other"
2021 continues to produce collective grief, change, and ambiguity. In an effort to draw our attention to what we can control and to provide hope for courageous leaders to step into roles for responding well, the following are five ways to practice intentional self-reflection to bring about more love and more understanding to ourselves first and also to our neighbors.
Look
Look at your own identity in new and relevant ways. In what areas can you exercise your own power and privilege to be an advocate and change-agent for what you would like to see changed in your community? Perhaps it’s your age, ability, education, or employment that provides you with opportunities to create change. But it first begins with looking closely at your own agency and knowing how to use it to affect change. Unlearn your typical ways of “seeing” people and assuming their ability/inability just off of that sole identity marker. Learn to approach self and others with a sense of curiosity for their entire identity.
Listen
Listen to more stories of your community members. This requires seeking out diversified voices, news outlets, social media channels and personalities, and community leaders. What are the stories not making headlines? What are the stories not even making the news? Committing to listening to stories and the feelings embedded in them can cultivate increased empathy skills which will result in greater tolerance, understanding, and solidarity.
Learn
Learn about your biases. Biases are automatic judgments our brain makes about people, situations, and experiences. To learn about them is to recognize the judgements you associate with a person or a situation. This can be how stereotypes are formed and readily accepted if they align with your judgements. Because it’s humanly impossible to eliminate biases from our brains, it’s important to slow down and think through the why of our judgments and assumptions.
Lean in
Lean into where you can enact change. Where are the intersections of where you have felt ‘othered’, ‘marginalized,’ and misunderstood? This can be a starting point for you to understand how to engage in dialogue and perspective-taking when learning about power and privilege. Leaning into discomfort of difficult conversations with self and with others takes courage.
Let go
Let go of complacency. There can be complacency in thoughts, actions, assumptions, and accepting routine. To challenge yourself to learn about more perspectives is to let go of one-sided stories, stereotypes, and siloed opinions. It will unearth biases and replace them with holding multiple truths.
Unlearning to learn is an act of courage and of love. Loving self and others requires looking, listening, learning, leaning into, and letting go of assumptions and judgements.
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Three weeks ago, I graduated from the School of International Service at American University. At the commencement ceremony, I had the honor of being one of the flag bearers on stage. Out of the options to carry the US flag, the DC flag, the AU flag, the SIS flag, or the alumni flag, I chose to carry the DC flag because that is where I am "local": https://www.ted.com/.../taiye_selasi_don_t_ask_where_i_m....
As an ATCK, I have always identified where I am local. Not where I am "from." I was given the flag bearer opportunity because I was the Master candidate finalist to give the commencement speech. I first received the invitation from SIS to apply to be a commencement speaker when I was about to leave for Amsterdam in March. I was so busy with the conference I was attending and with travelling that I decided not to follow up with the offer. But then I got a personalized email that I had been selected to be a commencement speaker finalist so there I was on the train from Leiden to Utrecht, and then Utrecht to Rotterdam, and then from Rotterdam to The Hague writing and rewriting my commencement speech....I have a photo of doing that somewhere....because I found it so random.
Ultimately, SIS decided to only have one student commencement speaker (the undergraduate speaker) because we are the largest school at AU and there wasn't enough time to have 2 student speakers. (Every other school at AU had two student commencement speakers).A few days ago, the official AU photography team emailed a photo of me carrying the DC flag. I look proud to be local here. But I have a feeling I'm not going to be local here for much longer....
Per the request of many who were curious about my speech, here it is:
School of International Service
American University
Commencement Speech 2016
Megan Norton; MA International Communication CandidateGood evening President Kerwin, deans, members of the faculty, proud parents and families, and above all: graduates.
I have spent my life packing and unpacking boxes. I have lived in nine countries and five U.S. States. I have moved over 25 times. So you can imagine the boxes I’ve accumulated along the way; boxes from South Africa, Germany, Japan, Israel, Greece, Hungary….a lot of places. When I moved to DC, it was the first time that I had all of these boxes in one space and I started unpacking. I saw all the things I had identified with or that identified me. I was looking at not only tangible objects but also intangible ones. I was unpacking the values and beliefs and thought patterns that had shaped my worldview. In doing this I had feelings of displacement and I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. I felt the urge to pack up my boxes and to move again. Moving would be easier to do than confront the accompanying unease of trying to figure out what my identity was and who I wanted to become.
But I stayed. And I observed. And I learned that I wasn’t the only one unpacking my identity in the School of International Service. My classmates and I were reorganizing our ways of knowing and of being. We were recognizing our assumptions of not only each other but also of the world we operate in. I remember a moment in one of my classes when I shared that I was one of the students in the first integrated schools in post-apartheid South Africa. This ignited conversations immediately about race, power, and privilege. It was in moments like this that I saw my in between identity manifested in concrete new ways of belonging.
I became part of this multi-cultural community bound together by the shared commitment to accept that identity is fluid and complex. And I learned that SIS celebrates the power of seeing beyond identity boxes that so often imperfectly define us.
SIS integrates this message into its orientation toward service. As a form of service here at AU, I volunteered to be an intercultural dialogue facilitator. In facilitating cross-cultural communication between groups of both undergraduate and graduate students, I experienced the complexity of culture in new ways. One dialogue session stands out vividly. I had just landed at DCA from visiting family in another State and was headed to AU when I received a text message from a participant that said: “Can we talk about what just happened on campus?” What just happened on campus, I thought? And should I be going there? She was referring to Anti-Muslim fliers had been put around campus, but immediately reported and taken down. In our intergroup dialogue, we discussed how religion and faith are integral parts of our identity and we must be aware that sometimes people are forced to box it up and keep it hidden. I realized that I had never had to hide my faith for fear of physical safety. In our session we made space for stillness and for reflection. We were vulnerable and authentic with one another. In that moment we chose to understand rather than to simplify; and to acknowledge our agency to foster respect and tolerance.
When President Obama visited our campus last year, he spoke to this as well. He said: “Being an American is not a matter of blood or birth. It’s a matter of faith, of shared fidelity to the ideas and values that we hold so dear. That’s what makes us unique. That’s what makes us strong. Anybody can help us write the next great chapter in our history.”
President Obama’s reference to “anybody can help us” resonates with us graduates as we see the invisible boundaries that usually divide our world and have been trained to lean into the discomfort of stretching our comfort zones to understand how the interplay of culture, politics, race, and gender frame our behavior.
As SIS graduates, we are committed to celebrate cultural complexities and we are equipped to engage global challenges in our professional careers and future scholarship.
For all of us here today, we need to remember that as we move in and out and between social groups, we are making a difference in the world. It is our decision as to whether we are building boxes of fear and resistance or breaking down boxes with generosity and empathy.
Class of 2016: this is our commencement, our beginning. The beginning of new interactions, collaborations and intersectionalities of what constitutes shared identity. Perhaps you’re about to pack up your own boxes to move out of DC. Remember to take our culture of service, tolerance, and curiosity to navigate this increasingly interdependent world.
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May we enjoy the places of peace -- the ones that give us peace and the places of peace we create.
Lake Michigan Sunset
I don’t know about for you, but ringing in 2021 for me was rather anticlimactic. Some of my friends and I had this plan to have a college reunion for New Year's Eve 2020, but as the ripple of the COVID19 pandemic grew wider and stronger through the U.S. Midwest this season, we decided not to do it after all. For me, I celebrated the new year quietly and simply. With immediate family in the living room, it reminded me of my childhood new year's eves when I would be so excited to stay up until midnight and as much as I tried to preserve my energy, I grew sleepier and sleepier as it got later and later. To be honest, not much changed with how I felt this New Years Eve. However, in addition to the steadfast nature of my inability to be a night owl, I also felt the same childlike liberty to feel protected, loved, cared for, and secure; feelings that at other times this year ebbed and flowed with challenges and changes.
I don’t know about you, but in 2020, I had more feelings of disorientation, displacement, and discouragement more than feelings of hope, purpose, and gratitude. Burnt out on the virtual and as I am still reeling from cancelled plans, parties, and participating in in-person programs, it’s a difficult year to reconcile. And I imagine we are all still feeling the ongoing waves of grief.
As I reflect on 2020, I want to remember the positives as well. Not each of those 365 2020 days were negative. These are the questions I’m reflecting on in the early days of 2021:
What was a good memory I made in 2020?
What progress did I make?
What is an affirmation I received?
What self-care routine worked? What didn’t?
And as I prepare for 2021, I’m concretely considering my choices. My choices to set boundaries, to create healthy rhythms, and to be ok to change what doesn’t work for me. And may I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and to (re)evaluate the expectations you set for you and others as we begin this new year.
One approach to do this is to consider and reflect on why you commit to the things you commit to, how you structure a routine, and where you can take small steps to meet the requirements of your work or school. This may look like deciding for you:
What and when are exceptions ok?
What questions can I ask for more clarity?
What does kindness look like for self and others?
What is one thing I can do today that’ll be good for my body, mind, and soul?
As we step into 2021, with its new changes, challenges, and celebrations, may we be empowered to respect our personal needs and to articulate graciously what we have time for and what we don’t have time for. It’s ok to say “no” and it’s ok to rest. It’s really important that we do both, actually.
One way I feel re-centered and grounded is in nature and what I’m finding living in West Michigan is that there are so many outrageously beautiful sunsets on Lake Michigan. I find so much peace and renewal when I have the opportunity to witness one of our sunsets. I’ve travelled a lot in my life (like 30 plus countries a lot) and have also lived in 10 countries. And I wholeheartedly believe that our sunsets are the best in the world. In 2021, I want to commit to taking more time to watch our lakeshore sunsets. When things I can’t control come my way, I can control my reaction and will probably go out to a pier to process and to protect my mind from “what ifs” and unexplainable “whys?!”. As each sunset is different, so is each day of our life. Let’s reflect on each one and prepare for each next one. May we enjoy the places of peace -- the ones that give us peace and the places of peace we create.
Life is a series of trade offs and as we decide what to do in 2021, may we consider these questions every morning:
What is in my heart today?
What do I need to do today to feel healthy in body, mind, and soul?
What is one way to practice patience today?
What is the most important thing for me to do today?
Perhaps see you at sunset. Still socially-distanced, of course.
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The semester is wrapping up and for some, this may be the final one on campus. And so, it’s important to consider how to transition well. The popular “RAFT” model coined by David Pollock in the book Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, is one way to concretely decide how to move through this transition. The RAFT model is an acronym for Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewells, and Thinking Ahead.
Reconciliation
A fancy word for a simple (albeit, sometimes difficult) action. In other words, is there anyone you need to go to one-on-one to apologize to, make things right with, hash out some misunderstandings? Stepping into a place where you can talk about conflict takes courage and vulnerability. It’s an important action to bring about understanding and forgiveness. Here are some steps to an apology as a framework to reference:Express sorrow (I’m sorry)
Own guilt (I was wrong)
Name the specific wrongdoings (I did ____________________)
Name the impact (I hurt you)
Don’t blame shift/defend (But you…I’m sorry if you…..)
Don’t use passive voice (I’m sorry if you were offended….)
Make amends (What can I do)
Affirmation
Another fancy word simply translated: let’s celebrate each other a little bit more! What do you love about someone? Their encouragement? Their detail-orientation? Their courage? Their timeliness? Their active volunteerism? Their jokes? Their availability to have a heart-to-heart sesh at 2am on a Tuesday? Take some time to reflect on how various people have invested in your life this semester and thank them for it! This is a beautiful way to demonstrate your love and to honor the people in your life. Some card-writing prompts could include:One thing you did for me this semester that stands out is…….
One comment you made to me that really encouraged me was……..
Thank you for taking the time to….
It meant a lot to me that you….
Your ability to……
I deeply appreciate your…..
Farewells
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye! We TCKs are no stranger to this word. We’ve done this action and said a variation of this word (sometimes in multiple languages!) countless times. This year it may look a bit different on campus, though. With social distancing regulations in place and students leaving on different days, it’s important to make a list of who you want to see before you leave campus yourself. For Seniors especially, it’s important to say farewell to the places that have been significant to you on campus as well. Take some time to reflect on campus about how the places and people have encouraged you, challenged you, and shaped you into who you are today.
Thinking Ahead
It’s a hard ask this year with so much change and ambiguity. Thinking ahead may be daunting, discouraging, and even depleting. Protect your energy and thoughts as you think ahead. Write out what you can control and the decisions you can make to set you up for success next semester. Don’t dwell on things you cannot control. 2021 may not be as clear as you want, but continue to give yourself permission to dream and to goal-set; and to name and own your desires -- to claim -
I’ve never been one to either start or engage in political conversation; or to overly and overtly showcase my political perspectives and leanings. Growing up, I learned to “respect the office” no matter who sat in the Oval Office; a value rooted - I believe - from my military and Foreign Service household. And I tend to hold that value now into adulthood as I choose not to report on social media or in wider social circles my opinions about the person behind the desk in the Oval Office.
As a sociologist, I am drawn to the facts in election seasons; but, not the facts you’re probably thinking like the policy positions and debate material. I’m curious about the facts people vote on based on their values, which are full of nuances and shaped because of their worldview. The facts I consider include my believing that no election should contain the words “right” and “wrong” and that decisions cast don’t make us into “winners” and “losers.” The fact that in my travels I have seen candidate signage change from one state to another - and even house to house in neighborhoods, makes me wonder how many of the people who have placed these signs have had the courage to listen to those who placed the candidate sign of a different party. With the result of the 2020 election, it’s important to look at not just the facts of policy position or the person taking office; it’s important to look at how we are responding to the facts. Let’s consider the facts of emotion management as we embrace the reality of election facts. Emotion management is not using those facts to assume, accuse, or assault. Emotion management is using those facts to ask open ended questions - and to not be upset if it’s not what we consider the “right” answer.
Emotion management is first and foremost taking emotions seriously. There have been “facts” thrown out this election season that some positions are based on “thought” and some are based on “emotion.” The fact is, it is not accurate to say: “I’m casting my vote this way because ‘I’m thinking’” and you’re making your decision because ‘You’re emotional.’” Our values, worldview, and choices are made up of both feelings and thoughts. We attend to our emotions because we care deeply about a particular position or decision, but we need to ensure that emotions don’t drive our conversations.
Emotion management is pausing to consider if a social media post or verbal response is evoking or suppressing emotions. Consider: you don’t need to have the last word, even if you are right. There are disagreements about position and policy and that’s ok --- what’s not ok is when you don’t listen to where someone is coming from in their perspective and worldview. Asking questions as someone ready to understand - and not as someone armed to respond - is an act of kindness and of exercising emotion management.
Emotion management is identifying what information our emotions are giving us and not asking others to be responsible for them. All emotions are valid and are an important human mechanism in each of us to help give clues about what we need. Pause to understand the whys behind your values and where your perceptions have been shaped. Focus on the things you can control, starting with the intentionality of getting curious about another person’s perspective. Claim some relational land with yourself and with others as you look at the facts of why emotions are there and listen with deep grace and patience.
Emotion management is reminding yourself that, “Everyone has a story. Have the patience to listen. Have the wisdom to learn.” Engaging as a listener to both self and others as together we see and experience the implications of this election season takes patience and wisdom. Listening is initiated in asking questions and resisting the urge to “fix” feelings. Some will struggle with this more than others. Some will find peace sooner than others. Some will feel hurt and fear and as a result, that may come out as anger. Don’t let emotions drive your life in reactionary ways. You don’t need to react.
Emotion management is using facts to find potential common ground and to find those intersections of agreement. Emotion management is using those facts to exercise emotional intelligence and empathy. It’s not coming to the table saying, “change my mind.” It’s coming to the table to engage difference and asking, “can you explain to me why these facts are so important to you?” It’s coming into conversation without armor or case studies or a fixed mindset. Emotion management is developing a growth mindset and protecting your energy about what discussions you engage in.
As we enter into a season with ongoing political transition and conversation, ask yourself this question Arlie Hochschild poses in an On Being podcast, “Do you want to be right in every moment, or do you want to be part of the larger healing? …. [Be] models of repair.” Emotion management is a form of empowerment; it is leading with purpose and impact. As we are going to experience the spectrum of emotions this month, let’s not be ashamed of our own emotions or make others feel shame because of theirs. But ensure that your emotions don’t run the show and purpose now in your heart to take the power away from them. Reaction isn’t necessary. Phrases like, “I’m disappointed, but….” and “It’s hurtful that…..” and “I’m concerned that…..” can empower you to validate your feelings and not be consumed by them. Soothe any fear and hurt with what you can control and remember the principle that trusting in others is not blind obedience. Your reaching across political spectrums is not eliminating difference; it’s bridging. I may not reveal or discuss my political stance, but I will contribute to the larger story of what I can do by listening to others.
Take your emotions seriously. Take others’ emotions seriously and together “May we be people of peace with voices of hope doing the hard work of love.” We must not see difference as a threat; but an opportunity to find bridges.
I voted.
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I read an article recently on medium.com that talked about how we’ve all exceeded our “surge capacity” this year. We feel like we are scraping the bottom of our reservoirs emotionally, mentally, and physically because of the trauma, uncertainty, and transitions 2020 has brought to each of us in real and heavy ways. It’s a lot. It’s been a lot. And it continues to be a lot. With the on start of the new school year, systematic reopening of businesses, and increased conversations about our political landscape, it seems like we’re still drudging through messy attempts to re-center and anchor ourselves to both self and others. In attempt to encourage you in a small way, I want to share a recent project I accomplished that grounded me in a renewed mindset of gratitude and grace for people, place, and ultimately myself.
I moved here more or less three years ago. It’s been a rocky transition in understanding and adapting to the culture and since I travel a lot for work, it hasn’t been the smoothest process to build community. Having lived in other parts of the country and of the world, my home is a sanctuary which reflects the beauty and uniqueness of other cultures I have integrated into my own. Since being here, I’ve had one ongoing side project of creating a yard signpost that would showcase outside of my home all of the places I’ve lived with different slats that capture the city name and how far it is from Whitehall.
I’ve shelved the project multiple times because I was unhappy about my hand lettering on each sign. My internal expectation was to have each one be perfectly uniform, and I was increasingly frustrated about how each rendering was coming out differently. But this summer I decided my enough was enough and my attempt at symmetry went as far as outlining with a pencil and using a smaller paint brush size to get better line accuracy. I finally finished the signage because I had reached a point that I knew my enough was going to be a gift to me. A lesson I’m carrying away this year and encourage you to do as well is that your enough is enough. Sometimes your expectations for self is just that: for yourself. Others will appreciate and value your energy, effort, and “enough.”
Next came the part of hoisting the two long signage beams into the ground. I had no idea what I was doing. Dig a whole with a shovel? A spade? We were having some work done on our house and we asked the builder to take a look at the project idea. He had a machine that drilled the beam holes in less than a minute. The poles were vertically secure in minutes and he also used a nail gun that hung the signs even quicker. I was amazed at these tools. I was even more amazed that he and his teenage son taught me how to use this nail gun to hang the majority of my city signs. My lesson that day was to receive help gracefully. I am so impressed about the skills these two builders demonstrated and that they took the time to teach me a little about their trade. The lesson I encourage you to consider is what skills can you invest in others during the remainder of this year? No matter your age, you’ve got skills to share.
Finally, I had to express gratitude for those who have helped me with this project, namely: my Grandpa. He was the one who took me to Menards three years ago to pick out wood for this project and he cut the signposts in his wood shop. These signposts are a reflection of his investment of time, talent, precision, and energy into my life. Also, special thanks to my Dad who researched where to buy lumber and bought the wood beams in addition to new paint this year. And lastly to our builder and his son who went the extra mile to help me complete this project. The lesson I take away is that you need community to accomplish your goals and to support you in your vision --- whatever it is.
Three years ago, I wouldn’t have had either the tools or the people to help finish this project. It’s taken time and my reevaluation of what’s enough and my community here to finish it. I’ve learned that living in a still-new-to-me place during a pandemic period with people who love you for showing up with your ‘enough’ is wildly weird and yet incredibly rewarding. Sometimes it’s difficult to ask for help, but receive it when it comes unexpectantly along. This is how we will refill our capacities this year. Take good care of yourself and of others in your neighborhood. We’re here for each other.
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A new academic year is full of so much newness in all areas of life. When I was at university, my favorite part of a new academic year was selecting my new class schedule which in turn shaped my new rhythm of life to settle into. With this newness came the negotiation of which student club events I had time to attend and what leadership roles I could commit to. In addition, there was the immediate schedule comparison with friends and classmates to see where our free time overlapped. Sometimes there was perfect synchronicity and other times there was calendar blocking of “let’s do dinners on Tuesday’s and lunches on Friday’s.” The variation in schedules meant that there was opportunity to discover new pockets of communities on and around campus and to explore how – or if – I belonged in and to them.
Community on campus can feel like a bubble in certain respects. There can be pride in institution affiliation and who you share your time, talent, and passion with which increases the multiple ties of commonality with campus culture and its community make up. Whether it’s classes, meals, clubs, activities, sports, or leadership opportunities, university life is a unique time to be a part of different communities in one central location.
This year, with all the newness of different campus procedures and social gathering protocol, it may feel like there are restrictions to developing authentic and sustainable community. For example, some universities are requiring students to select 30-minute meal time windows or do carry-out meals, thus limiting the opportunity to connect with friends over a shared meal in the cafeteria. Also, residence halls are implementing new rules about guests in dorm rooms and evening curfews, thus limiting opportunities to study or to socialize with others in person. Additionally, student leaders are looking for new ways to do virtual meet ups instead of on-campus ones. With these changes, students may question how to connect with their communities in authentic and trustworthy ways. Three foundations of community formation can help students develop a strong sense of belonging to and with one another both on and off campus.
Here I speak directly to you, students:
Community formation and sustainability takes intentionality.
Whether in-person or online with others, be authentic about who you are and who you want to be. Otherwise, it’ll feel like you’re performing and you won’t feel wholly connected to either yourself or to others. Your level of belonging is in direct relation to showing up and being vulnerable. Brene Brown highlights this in her books, saying that that if you want to create connection and develop purposeful belonging, you need to listen as intently as you want to be heard. Active listening is one way to purposefully hear and appreciate what others are choosing to share with you and you need to first be connected with your own emotions and body in order to listen well. In this cultural moment, it seems social media can be where you share and/or find resources, yell at and/or encourage people, and find and/or leave a niche group you identify with that transcends location. Being intentional about the (mis)use of social media is important to consider how you claim community and/or it claims you.
Particularly for Third Culture Kids, it is important to activate the same level of curiosity and intentionality to connect with others as was practiced when living in another country. For example, when I was at university, I had to check my intentions for sharing one of my global stories with others: was it to brag about my experiences while living abroad or was it to connect with others and to their stories. Intentionally reflecting on purpose and pride in relationships can grow trust, dependability, and understanding.
Community formation and sustainability means holding something in common.
Having a sense of belonging lies on a spectrum and considering how you construct community will play into where you think you belong and/or don’t belong. All of us are human beings, and with that we all operate out of a foundation of similarity. As we move along the spectrum to being an individual person, we splinter off into different affiliations and affinity groups based on what we have in common with them. While community and sense of belonging can be based on cultural, racial, familial, etc. markers or qualifiers, it is important to acknowledge that these markers can be “hidden” and not known until conversations, history, skills, passion, and proximity are observed, learned, and taken into consideration. Furthermore, being aware of how social media can operate as a counterfeit community in the way it can fragment social support and disconnect or misdirect people from reality is important to remember when discussing sensitive or potentially polarizing topics.
For some Third Culture Kids, there can be a strong sense of being an outsider on campus, especially if they don’t understand specific cultural aspects or cultural values and expressions. For example, I wore a particular sports team logo on my clothes because my family had gifted these particular t-shirts to me. I didn’t realize how polarizing it was to wear them in some local communities. While I was feeling connected to my family in wearing them, I was creating playful division in my friend group. Cultural commonality takes social wisdom and learning. Being curious about culture helps TCKs to change the perspective of “I’m a TCK, no one is like me” to “I’m a person with multi-faceted interests, skills, experiences, and passions, so who can I connect with on one or more of those factors in this place?”
Community formation and sustainability is shaped by shared memories.
Your sense of belonging can be forgotten, but it cannot be lost. Reminding one another of previous times shared in laughter, service, or with entertainment can be significant to reinforce unity and commonality. This foundation can be found and highlighted on social media and in other virtual spaces. Circulating these memories can be especially important this year to remind one another of time invested in events, service opportunities, and passions. Online relationships can be valuable and important through different online mediums, and being aware of how memories and current experiences are curated and displayed should be analyzed in terms of outcome and impact on in-person relationships. Are they useful for connecting or are they creating division? Online communities and different channels are not meant to be individuals’ only way to have relationships and build community.
With Third Culture Kids, sharing memories about previous homes and places can be confirmation that they belong to several communities which have given them a sense of who they are and continue to shape their perspectives. When I was at university, I read through the news of places I used to live in and was wondering how those events were impacting my communities there. One of my mentors encouraged me to also read about local news and to learn how to become more involved in my local community off my university campus. While I had memories from places I had lived, I knew it was time to invest in my current community to create new memories. Community building takes commitment to confront yourself and others and to move through conflict and to celebrate commonality.
In sum, belonging in and to a community takes time as you develop the skills to acknowledge and lean into the love, limits, and leveling of opinions, experiences, and perspectives. Whether virtual or in-person, building community takes more time and more care than you expect. But it’s worth it.
Assuming good intent, remaining curious, and being kind are guiding principles as we consider the foundations of community.
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Third Culture Kid teens are resilient, resourceful, clever, creative, and flexible. For their entire lives they have not only practiced but also excelled at adapting to new cultural situations and learning new ways of being and of doing. This year in particular they have been challenged to draw upon these strengths in new and important ways as the world continues to navigate the ambiguity and adjustments of new protocol and procedures in all arenas—work, academic, social, and commerce.
For high school third culture kids transitioning back to their passport country this year it can be challenging in several areas—from learning how to socialize virtually to following new social cues and customs. Whether transitioning into university, high school, or a gap year, these third culture kids can equip themselves to process emotions, create friendships, and figure out next steps in acknowledging these three steps.
PROCESS THE GRIEF IN THIS YEAR’S UNIQUE TRANSITIONS
In times of distress, trauma, and grief, it is a human default mechanism to go into “flight or fight” mode. Flight can look like avoidance, mood swings, and apathy; fight can look like confrontations, frequent arguments, and anger outbursts. In order to process these emotions in a healthy way, it can be helpful for third culture kid teens to share their re-entry story with a family friend or mentor that has either been through this kind of transition themselves and/or are processing it together in a facilitated manner.
To process the 2020 grief is to acknowledge both the tangible and intangible losses: perhaps it was not being able to go to an in-person graduation, or to throw or attend a graduation party. Maybe it was not being able to travel one last time with friends on a class trip or being able to say goodbye to families who weren’t able to return to the country due to COVID-19 travel restrictions. Maybe it wasn’t being able to take one last favorite hike to see the sunset or to go to the airport to send off a friend.
In order for third culture kid teens to heal from their grief, invite them to articulate what they have lost and let them express how that makes them feel. Recognize that the expression may come out in one of the grief cycle stages such as bargaining (for example, “maybe next year we can go back and see everyone again”) or it may come out as negotiation (for example, “if I stay here one year, next year I’ll have enough money to return”) or it may come out in anger (for example, not feeling content about the current situation) or denial (for example, thinking that there won’t be culture shock because they understand the culture from social media). In order to reach the stage of acceptance, allow the third culture kid teen to express their grief by journaling, talking through it, or creating something that represents their grief. In and through this, affirm their resilience and draw upon their strengths in how they have transitioned before and have the ability to do it again in this season.
PRACTICE ANSWERING, “WHERE ARE YOU FROM?”—KEEPING IN MIND CULTURAL CONTEXT
For any third culture kid, it can be a challenge to answer the question “Where are you from?” given “home” and “from” could potentially mean any of the following: Where were you born? Where did you grow up? What is your passport country or nationality? What is the last place you lived? Where are your parents? Where did you graduate?
Given that many families have been forced to repatriate to new places this year due to COVID-19 border closures, this question could be an added challenge for third culture kid teens to answer as they may have had several disruptions of place and belonging in the past few months. Keeping in mind cultural context and who is asking the question, third culture kid teens may want to give a “5 second” response to “Where are you from?” such as, “Due to my parent’s work, I have lived most of my life in __________, but am originally from ___________” or “I grew up in several countries, but most recently moved from ___________.”
If the situation allows for more discussion, it may be that the inquirer will ask further about what took the third culture kid abroad or which place they loved the most. Having short responses can allow the conversation to continue, however, third culture kid teens should ask the same questions in return. Perhaps they will have the most “exotic” background in terms of countries lived, languages spoken, and cultures experienced, but third culture kids need to exercise the same level of curiosity and respect for others’ stories as well. Again, finding community members who have had a similar upbringing can provide space to tell stories without the third culture kid teen fearing that they are “bragging” or not feeling understood by monocultural peers.
PREPARE FOR WHAT’S NEXT THIS YEAR
Whether the third culture kid teen has returned for university, high school, or a gap year, it’s important for them to recognize their need to adjust to new responsibilities. Life will be different in terms of socialization, communication expectations, and financial goals. This is the case for everyone this year as COVID-19 has determined new rules for social gathering, created new forms of virtual communication and expression, and brought about different financial concerns.
As the world continues to navigate these changes, it is critical for third culture kid teens to have the support, guidance, and mentorship surrounding their responsibilities with these changes. Making a list of what is needed for physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual support and identifying who can help support these needs is an important way to holistically care for the wellbeing and nurturing of a third culture kid teen. Recognizing and recommending to third culture kid teens who in their network (such as church leaders, community peers, family, and friends) can serve as mentors and confidants as they process closing out a chapter in their life and transition the navigation into a new one is important for them to feel agency in their need for independence and personal growth. Establishing a “cultural broker”—someone who understands where they have come from and where they are headed—to guide them about the new environment’s food, fashion, music, slang, etc., is a foundational way to support this transition. Lastly, cultivating a practice of gratitude can also serve as an anchor of stability to help third culture kid teens to identify and appreciate the blessings in their life.
There are several organizations that offer facilitated debriefing through this transition such as Interaction International’s Wayfinder program beginning in Fall 2020 and MuKappa International’s virtual university chapter for incoming university freshmen in addition to their on-campus university student chapters. These organizations can suggest third culture kid mentors and cultural guides for third culture kid teens to speak with.
This year has been challenging and unpredictable, full of grief and loss due to physical moves, health declines, and even deaths. It’s been one that has highlighted race relations and reconciliation initiatives, political unrest, and diverse civil discourse. For third culture kid teens who are navigating their own wild and ambiguous transitions, the weight and rate of change and media noise can exacerbate the reentry process and perhaps even numb the important journey of healing from their own grief and loss. By regulating media intake, committing to healthy nutrition, talking with a cultural mentor, and practicing their tried and true resilience methods, third culture kid teens will be able to adjust to their new home in 2020.
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They are grown and flown. But you will always be their parent/s. They have dabbled in decision-making and perhaps learned the consequences of some of those poorer life choices in their independent decisions. But this is a unique time and they may need a little extra guidance, financial support, and an active listening ear more than ever before in their “gone from the nest” adult status. Despite your being time zones away or in the other room, reach out to them. They are adults now, but they need you to play parent in this COVID-19 season more than you realize.
But as an important caveat before you read further. As their parent/s, hold yourself accountable for the safety, intention, and respect you are offering and exchanging with asking these questions. If you are not committed to the responsibility of creating psychological safety and trust between you and your child, and if you are not willing to make sacrifices to meet their needs, this article is not for you right now.
Are you ok?
I remember whenever I had some “heavy” or potentially disappointing news to share with my mom over the phone, instead of her blaming or shaming me with words like “You should have studied harder” or “Why didn’t you go to office hours for help?” or “Did you really need to be out that late?” it was “Are you OK?” or “How do you feel?” She created a space to honor me as a human being rather than prioritize my role as a university student. And there was never an expectation for me to answer this question. If “fine” was my reply, then “fine” with her. She always had another way to get me to reveal my feelings anyhow. In that she probed gently with questions. And listened. She listened and didn’t lecture.
Whether your university-aged TCK is with you in person or if you are calling them in another time zone, ask this question. Even if they are a strong-willed, independent, fiercely report-facts-only young adult, they need to hear this question from you. Even if you didn’t have a family culture of discussing feelings while they were growing up, ask this question. Even if you’re not ok, ask them this question. Even if they don’t answer right away, trust that these three words frame the conversation in a way that they’ll know you’re there for them.
(and the 1 You Ask as a Follow-Up: What can I do?) In a season where there have been broken commitments because of lockdown and event cancelations, perhaps real or perceived mistrust between relationships, and maybe even some poor decision making on the part of your university-aged child (I mean the human brain isn’t fully developed until the age of 25), your young adult child/ren need to know that they can count on you to play witness to their grief and hold space for their emotions. Keep asking. Keep waiting. Maybe it is in the asking and in the waiting that you are meeting their need of feeling heard and safe and known. And that will help them to be ok
2. Do you have enough money?
In emerging adulthood, the lessons in financial independence can be at times awkward and trying. Especially for TCKs who didn’t have the opportunity to manage their money as teens in the countries in which they grew up. Personally speaking, with currency exchange rates trying my math skills and credit card fees, the inconsistency of managing multiple currencies contributed to my not having a solid grasp on the value of money. This was (and still is) a growing pain when I try to stick to an “adult” budget. My “self-care” money column in my budget also seems a bit fatter than my “contribute more to the utilities” one. I can always justify it, too. With the added transitions of this season in moving out of residence halls or losing part-time student / service-sector jobs, many university-aged students are feeling the save/spend tension. I would not be offended if my parents asked me this question (and I’m not a university-aged student anymore). And so, particularly in this season, I don’t think yours will be either.
This can be a telling question to ascertain your child’s access to essential resources, food stock, and self-care pleasantries. One way to gift them in this season is to call one of their local restaurants to order take-out for them. Even better: pay for the delivery of it to their house. Another way is to order some household essentials online to have it delivered to them. One other way is to get in touch with one of their community members to ask if they could check-in on them for you. If you can’t make your TCK a home-made meal, maybe you can ask one of their friends/community members to.
(and the 1 You Ask as a Follow-Up: What can I do?) Even if you don’t have the financial capability (or means) to Venmo, Paypal, Zelle, or direct deposit a double-digit figure to your child, I argue that any amount would be a fun and welcomed surprise. Frame the giving as an opportunity for them to buy a book or rent a movie or UberEATS a meal. Just do it.
3. Where are you spending the summer?
Be prepared not to be offended if it’s not with you. Or a relative. Or a trusted friend or community member. Be prepared to say, “tell me more.” As your child has developed connections with roommates, classmates, neighbors, etc., they have certainly come across unique opportunities to apply their knowledge, skills, and talents in some initiative, project, camp, start-up, internship, etc. this summer. Now more than ever, your child is networking to figure out what the summer looks like. And hey, if it is that they want to spend their summer on your couch, then kudos to that as well! Let them come “home.”
This question may also be important to extend into “the Fall.” Make sure your TCK university student knows if their campus will reopen for the Fall semester. If it isn’t, begin to think through where your child will stay. Think through if your child needs extra cash, a new laptop, and/or a visa for wherever they’re planning to be in the Fall.
(and the 1 You Ask as a Follow-Up: What can I do?) Do you have ideas about how your child can spend their summer near you? Do you have a contact they can reach out to to secure a summer job? Leave it in their court to connect. Are you in another country? Ensure that travel bans won’t inhibit the ability for your child to travel to you. In asking these questions, you are getting a fuller picture of what your child is dreaming about for their future and considering how you can come alongside to support it.
4. Who are you talking with these days?
This is a very open-ended question. It could lead to revealing they’re in touch with their professors, college advisor, former roommates, and friends. It could even be what the gen-z-ers are framing as “plot twist” relationships - also more commonly known as “significant others.” Who may be contributing to their attitudes, impressions, and perspectives of this time?
This question could also be an indicator about their daily routines. Are they maintaining communication with people across time zones? If so, it may mean they have a choppy sleep schedule. Are they sitting in front of Zoom all day? It could mean that they are not getting enough physical exercise. Are they missing their friends? Encourage them to write them an actual hand-written letter to them.
(and the 1 You Ask as a Follow-Up: What can I do?) This is really asking yourself if you think there are people your child could do informational interviews with. Help them to make those connections. This can lean into understanding more deeply how they are dealing with this season both emotionally and physically. Do they have peer social support and accountability? This is an indicator about how they are managing their relationships from campus. Gently encourage them to maintain them.
5. What transition does this remind you of?
This question goes into reminiscing about how you have navigated as a family in other circumstances that required a “quick release” from place, people, and/or purpose. Without the ability to practice the RAFT (reconciliation, affirmation, farewell, think destination) model in action, you and your TCK are uniquely equipped to navigate this season with added empathy and understanding because you have navigated transitions without enacting RAFT before. You may not realize how pro you are at maintaining relationships across time, space, and distance compared to your mono-place/mono-cultural peers and community. As expats, there have been variations of “social distancing” when your globally mobile community has changed frequently. It may be interesting to reminisce about these instances with your TCK university student.
Perhaps your TCK university student will be able to help their roommates, classmates, and greater campus community to heal from the unsaid goodbyes and unframed closure, to move on with new and relevant connection opportunities, and to look to the future with hope and purpose. Your TCK has gone through multiple transitions before and is navigating it now with grit and grace. Encourage them to model this leadership to their peers who are struggling with all this transition.
(and the 1 You Ask as a Follow-Up: What can I do?) This may be a triggering question. If you as a family had some choppy transitions, it may unearth some trauma or unresolved grief from a previous situation. Ask this question if you are emotionally, mentally, and even financially equipped to provide support for your TCK college student navigating through this season. It’s a time of radical transition on multiple levels, so be prepared to have a support network to come along beside you in hearing their answer to this question.
As your TCK university student is “adulting” in new and often time challenging ways, it can be helpful for them to hear how you are navigating this season. Comments like “I’m struggling this way” or “I came across this helpful/funny/informative/etc article” or “is it ok to …..” can ease your young adult’s concerns if they are “adulting” wisely. Continue to be their parent/s in your vulnerability, authenticity, care, and love.
"All of these are invitation questions"
All of these are invitation questions. Questions for dialogue and that will assess the trust and safety you have with one another. What are the psychological consequences if you don’t show up for your TCK university-aged child during this time? Put aside your fears and insecurities to lean into the (dis)comfort of developing an adult-like relationship with your child. Take the pressure off yourself to “fix” or to “lead” the relationship with your child; rather, lean into the role to be a guide on the side, to connect, and to validate feelings. It’s a tension of independence and dependence but create and nurture the mindset shift that you are still needed and wanted. Even if your young adult child doesn’t engage with you in these questions, saying “I love you and I am proud of you” is the starting and ending point they need today and always.
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I grew up overseas in multiple countries. And as an adult I have lived in several more in addition to five U.S. States. The total country count where I’ve called “home” over the past thirty years is now 10. Over the past two years as an independent intercultural consultant, I have lived part-time in Muskegon county in Michigan while travelling for work and vacation the remainder of the year. Now, with the COVID-19 season, all my work travel is cancelled because all appointments are postponed and all my vacation plans are non-existent. I’m happy I got to California in January and Florida in February and Massachusetts in March. It’s been an interesting transition for me to consider the indefinite amount of time I’ll actually be at “home” here in Michigan. At first, the feeling was one of limitation, but as I shifted my perspective to more deeply understand this community, I have begun to see the culture of it better and how it is shaped by certain values. I’d love to share them from my multicultural, multi-”home” perspective.
Loss of Connection is also a Gain of New Ways to Connect
It can seem paradoxical. We can’t gather together in person and yet my social calendar seems to be fuller. My phone buzzes with texts and I’ve discovered how annoying my current ring tone is. The “Google Hangout” and Zoom call invites populate my inboxes. While I do strongly believe that in-person face-to-face socialization and business meetings are the best for relationship building and clear communication, it is equally important to note that connection, care, and empathy can be extended and received through a screen.
If I may encourage you to continue to check in with your community. Even if that means through online means. This COVID-19 season reminds me of when I was growing up overseas the option to sustain relationships across time, space, and distance only became possible in my teens because of the new and ever-improving and more affordable virtual communication platforms. These new modes of communication made the “goodbyes” a little less bitter. Also, I’m rediscovering the art of handwriting letters. A piece of snail mail can fill the need for touch or demonstrate the investment of time with the thought of this way to demonstrate love.
In relation to my local community, I am finding that individualism – a value that shapes U.S. American culture with work and with socialization – is shifting along the spectrum to more of a collectivist nature. This looks like asking the nuclear family, neighbors, elderly community members, and other acquaintances like gym buddies, church members who sit across the aisle, and store clerks and cashiers how we can be more mindful of their needs to serve them better. We can and should value unity during this time. We can and should value connection over comfort or what we may have previously deemed as “inconvenient”. When is the last time we went across the street with a homemade baked good? Even six weeks ago we wouldn’t have necessarily noticed who we interact with in a store or who lives on our street. We’re challenged to connect in new ways.
Loss of Work and School Rhythms is also a Gain of Exploring Your Own Backyard for Breaks and Recess
It can seem like a calendar-less year. Or that we are living in Groundhog’s Day. I’ve heard it and seen it from colleagues and community posts: “What day is it? I’ve lost track.” We’re operating on new schedules, establishing new routines and navigating different household rhythms. Living, working, playing, and sleeping within the same four walls can begin to feel like they are creeping in on our sanity. But the directive of lockdown doesn’t restrict us from our own backyards or taking a walk around the block. It can be a time to get acquainted with your surroundings – as micro as your front porch to as macro as the hiking trail in the next county.
In my experience growing up overseas, I never knew what our house would look like in the country to which we were moving, let alone if we would have a yard. Unlike some companies that provide families (or at least the principal worker and accompanying partner) to do a “go see” visit to check out a new home assignment, we experienced the “you’ll get what we have available and will have the ‘welcome kit’ (sheets, pans, pots, etc.) in it when you arrive” treatment in the diplomatic corps. I remember checking out every corner of our new house and how each family member would begin to “nest” in different areas of it.
I find myself these days hanging pictures on the walls I’ve never gotten around to doing in my sporadic travel. I’m taking walks in the neighborhood and discovering how very unique each yard is. Growing up abroad, our houses were typically behind walls and so I’m discovering the “openness” of a typical U.S. American neighborhood. I love seeing the yard landscape creativity and the freedom people have in choosing paint colors and exterior decorations. The values and privilege of space, privacy, and difference shape our American culture in the way we pride ourselves on how we maintain our properties.
How we value public space is also observable in keeping our parks clean and accessible during this time. How fortunate I am to live in an area that has space to discover while keeping social distancing directives. Be mindful about how unhurried time can be a gift to you and your family in making memories during “break time.”
Loss of Mobility is also the a Gain of Perspective-Change
It can seem like a time of loss of freedom and independence; two values that shape U.S. culture in the way we value entertainment and travel. The ability to go where you want to go when you want to go for as long as you want to go is a freedom we celebrate and the absence of it can be disorienting. The loss of mobility has been disorienting for me in the way I’ve built my career to be “office-free.” Now, my home is my office.
This COVID-19 season reminds me of two different times I lived overseas as an adult and felt the restrictions of travel. One time was when I was a postgraduate student in Greece and having completed my master degree there at the American College of Greece, I was seeking employment in the country. But, because my visa was a student one and not a work one, I was not able to stay there. The second scenario was similar. I was working in Hungary and needed to make the choice to renew my teaching contract or to return to the U.S. Again, not renewing the working visa meant I would need to repatriate. It was a challenging decision at the time and I felt restricted because of my U.S. citizenship. But, I ultimately decided to return to the US to pursue other opportunities. In both of these scenarios I could focus on either being bitter about having to leave the country I was calling “home” because of government regulations or I could celebrate the time I had left and the memories and relationships I would also have in repatriating to the U.S. I find myself in a similar situation now: am I angry that I can’t travel or am I grateful for this time to explore my local surroundings and home.
I’m not stuck at home. I’m safe at home and you’re not stuck at home, you’re safe at home. Let’s expose that truth and claim it.
Loss of Understanding the COVID-19 Source is also a Gain for Us to Unify as a Human Race
It can seem like a blame-shifting game. At several levels, we see news reports of casting blame on world leaders, country leaders, State leaders, and even county leaders about their decisions and retractions about how to keep communities safe. We see reports of the worst side of humanity with racist remarks and we see reports of the best side of humanity with acts of service.
Growing up overseas, I was sometimes in environments and situations that I was the only U.S. citizen in the group. I’ve had the “power” placed on me to be “The Spokesperson” for all of the United States. Imagine, this was when I was 12 years old. Questions and statements directed at me like, “Why is American policy this?” “Why do Americans do x, y, z?” “It’s disgusting that Americans act this way…” created this weight I carried as a mini diplomat at times that I didn’t know how to not internalize or process well as a child. The impression that I was a voice for all of America considering I was the only U.S. citizen in a particular group is quite humorous to me now considering I hadn’t grown up in America, and thus, how could I ever respond accurately.
I find we can learn from this situation in that we can’t cast blame or make assumptions or speak ill about people during this time based on physical appearances or passport origin. We have a duty to protect one another and to lean in to understand one another better, listen more, and mitigate fear, not create it. I’m specifically alluding here to the focus on anti-Chinese and anti-Asian sentiments that come from the myth that COVID-19 is a Chinese virus.
Do your part in your community to make lasting positive change. Do your part to consider if it’s kind or not to wipe the grocery store aisle clean of every canned good or TP. Our U.S. individualist value needs to be broadened to protecting self means protecting others and protecting others means protecting self. Be aware of how you talk to your family, friends, and larger community about this virus. Be mindful to spread facts, not fear. We’re in this together.
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Empathy is not sympathy. It’s not agreement with a person’s situation or even saying “I know how you feel.” Empathy and the hope that we can serve one another and be present for each other are actions we need now more than ever in our countries, communities, and homes. It’s creating the safe space to ask, “What do you need?” And if that is silence, let it be silence. Don’t ask this question if you’re not prepared to walk 10 Thousand Steps in their shoes and allow them to share their needs, emotions, struggles, celebrations, and journey --- this is empathy.
Before you begin to compare your situation to others or “rate” it against others, or even enter into a "competition" of who is “worse off” in this season, maybe broaden your perspective to understand that there are layers of effects in this transition time to each of our lives. We are all in transition. Be kind. Be gentle. Be hope-full. And may I expose some “privilege” in how you’re griping about toilet paper. And that the beaches are closed.
Walk ten thousand steps in another person’s shoes, and then perhaps 1,000 more. We are in this together.
My Hope 4/1/2020
During this time the feeling of hope can feel like it’s in shifting sands. I walked on the West Michigan sand dunes today, paving the word “hope” in one level spot. It struck me as I was carving out this four letter word that any preposition you put with it it can capture where someone is with it in this season: looking after hope, beside hope, beyond hope, between hope, dwelling in hope, among hope, walking through hope, inside hope, loving because of hope, around hope-full people, holding onto hope, out of hope, desperate before hope, without hope...
It sometimes can feel we have access to it, sometimes we feel we’re ten thousand steps away from it. Walking today ten thousand literal steps to shape this word in shifting sands meant I had to dig in, repeat steps, follow my path again and again. I got lost in it. I even became hope-less at one point in the process thinking what’s the point - do I believe this word right now?
And yet I knew I had to leave the area to see the hope creation. I had to walk 10 thousand steps and one thousand more to gain perspective of it. Let me expose my privilege of time today to find hope in the shifting sands.
Let me tell you who I had immense empathy for and said a hopeful prayer for:
For the woman behind the scenes in the hospital working in the nurses’ staffing office, coordinating time tables, deciding who will move to different floors, and who will attend to Coronavirus candidates. You are seen. I see you. You are a part of this fight. You are supporting the Front Lines. You hear the exhaustion on the other end of the line: the nurses who have worked a shift and they need to work another. Your patience and empathy makes a difference in your kind and supportive words. You’re walking a thousand steps with them. Continue on with them in hope. They may lash out in your ear out of frustration and pain. Continue on with your kind words. They need your kind words. I’m talking to you, Mom.
For the man behind the scenes setting up emergency communications and coordinating with FEMA to deliver more supplies to the hospitals. You are seen. I see you. You are a part of this fight. You are supporting the Front Lines. You hear the exhaustion of those in this office coordinating with response teams and funeral home teams. Your patience and your training others makes a difference. You’re walking a thousand steps with them. Continue on with them in hope that the operations you’re putting in place will mitigate fear and provide clarity to those involved in funeral preparations. I’m talking to you, Dad.
For the Amazon manager working behind the scenes to keep the station team morale high. Your 18 hour days on the warehouse floor coordinating social distance and combining new delivery routes and communicating with other stations from your bedroom floor when you get home: you keep advocating for your team. Your patience and your commitment to maintaining supply chains makes a difference. You’re walking a thousand steps with others. Continue on with them in hope. (And can I expose the privilege of America: to the person at home contemplating buying that toy for your kid or a new book for yourself and complaining about delayed shipment: that toy is going to be in the Fall yard sale. Look at your shelf for an unread book. Ask your neighbor to borrow one of theirs. Just stop complaining about how slow shipment is. Be content and creative with what you have). Be exposed to those who are working to get you your “needs.” I’m talking about my Brother - the one who asked me “how can I help you” after a 90 hour week.
Walk a thousand miles in someone else’s shoes. Sometimes that journey will show you some of the unsung heroes behind the scenes in this COVID-19 war. They’re important to expose, too.
I walked in between and around and at the ends of my literal and figurative hope this evening. On shifting sands no less that proved to be quite accurate in how my hope feels these days. But what was helpful was stepping away to gain perspective. Stepping away to see my hope.
Stepping Away to See My Hope
Stepping away to see the sun set on it. Hopeful that the sun will shine on it tomorrow. Knowing that my hope isn’t meant to stay in this form forever; but rather, to be built up, re-shaped, and found in stories of empathy, fierce compassion, and behind-the-scenes heroic acts of kindness. We’re in this together. Expose that.
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Home for Christmas? I am. But also, in My Dreams.
The iconic “I’ll be home for Christmas” song during this season can sometimes ignite polarizing feelings for listeners. A song that is meant to convey the love, warmth, and safety of home can also procure feelings of sadness, loneliness, and grief - for several different reasons. I am one of those people who experiences “all the feels” when I hear this song.
“Home” is a complex and nuanced word, feeling, and place for me. This year, home is Whitehall, Michigan and indeed, I’ll be here for Christmas. But in my heart I have memories of other homes during this season and in my house, I hold treasures from Christmases past. My previous homes include nine other countries and four other U.S. States. Knowing that I’ll never be in those homes again for the holidays brings a mixed bag of emotions, but I value the time I had living there and creating memories. The ornaments hanging on my Christmas tree tell stories of the Christmases overseas: from European Christmas market painted glass globes to colorfully beaded South African ones, this collection of sacred objects represent the joy, love and peace of Christmases past.
Growing up as a U.S. State Department dependent meant that home was “assigned” to our family every three years. From South Korea to Germany, and from Japan to Israel, the Christmas season was always celebrated with global friends and family and with different local traditions. I recall in Israel we celebrated Hanukkah and Christmas! And when I played Mary in the church play, I simply went to the Jerusalem market and got myself a robe that probably looked similar to what she wore - minus the extra material for a baby bump. In Korea, my brother and I performed in our school’s choir at the U.S. Embassy for the diplomats and also downtown in the Hilton hotel for holiday travelers and tourists. In South Africa, we took an afternoon swim in our pool after the BBQ lunch with friends on the patio.
In and through these global moves we also developed family traditions that remained steadfast regardless of country or climate or cultural context. In Japan, my mom bought an advent calendar at a handmade craft Christmas market that has hung in every one of our houses during this season. I enjoy decorating the calendar’s living room scene with the holiday-specific Velcro décor pieces for each day. I remember that even when I came home from university (to Vienna, Austria), this cloth advent calendar would be hung but none of the Velcro pieces were placed on it. Even if it was December 19, mom waited to let me hang each piece where I wanted them! We’ve lost one of the pieces through our moves; it just means the milk and cookies plush piece gets put out December 23 instead of December 24.
My favorite family holiday tradition centers on our Christmas stockings. Over thirty years ago, Mom bought four red felt stockings and with a sharpie wrote “Dad,” “Mom,” “Michael” and “Megan” respectively on each one. Now, with faded names and some gaping holes in them, we each take ours on December 25 morning and open the gifts inside them. Typically, there is an orange and banana in each one. But the Whitman’s chocolate gets eaten first.
This is our fourth Christmas in Michigan. This year, we’ve put the Christmas tree in a more central room in the house. I think we all like it in here. We’re still considering what traditions to develop in this place. We love that Dad still grilles; even if it is snowing! One newer tradition is decorating the house exterior and we love to drive around neighborhoods to view other outdoor decorations. In so many places we lived houses were behind walls. Our own house was behind a wall. So why decorate outside? My favorite outdoor decoration this year is the inflatable Olaf.
This month, I am dreaming of places I love.
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Connection Takes Courage: One of the greatest needs and desires of any human being is to be deeply seen and known by another. Perhaps one of the greatest paradoxes to this sense of belonging and deep love is the risk of vulnerability and reciprocity.
The past couple of posts I’ve shared have been more vulnerable than previous ones. Earlier postings have typically ranged from a regurgitated form of research and notions of Third Culture Kid identity characteristics to a series of quotations I find relevant to my own TCK journey. Recently, one of my friends challenged me to be more vulnerable in my writings -- to share my stories as they relate to my TCK research. At first, I was reluctant as I wanted to remain a bit anonymous and generic in my interactions with readers.
But, I decided to challenge myself to write more personal stories. To, perhaps, help my own processing. To, perhaps, be seen in a different way.
And so, I shared what was on and in my heart over the past few months. It was an uncomfortable feeling publishing my intimate experiences, especially of a recent end to a 5 year relationship. But, as a creative outlet, this writing helped me to name some of my feelings, and ultimately work through them better as I reflected openly. I worried that sharing such a deeply emotional experience wouldn’t translate across time and space and distance in an authentic way. Perhaps it didn’t. But to one person it did.
To a woman 9,873 mi/15889km and 14 time zones away from me.
She wrote me a private message informing me how she appreciated reading my posts and wanted to encourage my heart by sending me a book that she felt would resonate with my recent reflections. I provided my snail mail address, and last week, I got the book. And what a wonderful one it is.
To be deeply seen and known by another is to risk vulnerability and letting another in. Across time and space and distance a woman I have only interacted with on social media could empathize with me and encourage me through written words.
In a society that often argues that social media fragments community and distills human connection, this woman and I have proven you wrong. This week, today, this hour, I feel so grateful for the courageous reach this woman had to authentically connect with my personhood and my vulnerability through social media.
May my writing continue be a creative tension; a push-pull of what to share and what to leave out. But I’ll write on. Because of human connection.
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Saturday, May 19, 2018: It’s 8:00pm EST and I’m eating a generous helping of Caramel Drizzle Cheesecake ice cream out of a coral white bowl. This is what single girls do at 8pm on a Saturday night. ;)
Starting out at 5:00am EST this morning, I nestled up next to my mom with a cuppa tea to watch American Meghan Markle wed European Prince Harry. We used our delicate fine bone china tea cups and floral silver rimmed side plates for our English PG tip tea and biscuit breakfast.
We sized up the fashion of wedding guests; from the fascinators to heels to color choices, we looked on with sheer enjoyment as we ourselves were comfy in our PJs and slippers. I couldn’t help but remember the last Royal Wedding I watched seven years ago and wished my mom was with me then. She was in South Africa and I was in South Carolina. For today’s moment in time, we were both in Michigan.
Today was emotional for several reasons.
Marriage.
I was looking forward to marriage. The timeline was set: engaged this summer, married next summer, engagement events in and between and across two continents.
But I’m not. And I’m not in that relationship anymore.
Today, I was confronted [again] with this reality as I watched the royal wedding. The anticipation, the consideration of the cross-cultural relationship, the diamond ring…..
I thought about how I was “Princess Megan [sans h]” to him.
Recently, I deleted a google document that contained the images of ring[s] potential I would have liked on my hand, the timeline of different events to happen in the U.S. and in Europe, and some musings of wedding decorations to have at said events. The deleted file has freed up space - both virtual and mental. I’m still working on the emotional.
It's that Season.
Over the past few weeks, I have been confronted with the reality that more of my university friends, childhood friends, and career friends are announcing engagements, getting married, and having babies.
And now, more confrontational than ever before, I’m in a space of singleness.
Yet today, I was encouraged with a renewed sense of purpose on and for my own timeline. I’m building my own career track and (re)negotiating my own sense of identity as an Adult Third Culture Kid. Why should I allow society, community, family, or friends dictate what it means to live life according to a proverbial “ticking clock.” Why do I permit them so much power sometimes?
It’s been somewhat of a personal challenge over the past few months to feel authentically and fully happy for the engagement, marriage, and baby announcements across my various networks as my own prospect for these life markers seem dimmer and dimmer. Closer networks populate my phone screen with their celebratory announcements: a friend texts me the best photos of her engagement photo shoot, another shares over a skype call that she found out the day before she is pregnant, yet another displays beautiful shots of her wedding events as I scroll through my social media accounts. I simply love their joy and appreciate their willingness to share it with me. They have a radiant spirit of authenticity and of electric happiness as they embark on their new paths with the partners they have chosen.
Love is always a choice.
While my community certainly advocated for and supported my past relationship, I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t being authentic in it. It took some coaching, mentorship, and deep reflection to be honest with myself and to choose myself. And I’m on a journey to completely understand who is this ATCK at 31 years old.
Meghan Markle, 36, met her prince 16 months ago. Over the past year, they have surely discovered both nuanced and overt differences and similarities and mishaps and funhaps of their cross cultural relationship. Surely they will discover more. My own cross-cultural relationship was full of them. Today, I am thrilled for these newly weds. I am inspired by their timeline. I think that when you’re older, you know faster who you want to do life with; who you want as a witness to your life and whose life you want witness. Because you have had time to have a fuller understanding of yourself.
Love is powerful.
“There’s power in love. Don’t underestimate it. Don’t even oversentimentalise it. There’s power – power in love. . . There’s power in love to lift up and liberate when nothing else will.” - Presiding Bishop Michael B. Curry
As an ATCK now into my thirties, I’m (re)discovering how and why my globally mobile childhood and early adulthood has shaped who I am and if it is who I would like to stay. Today, although a bit sad because of my own sparkly girly dreams shelved, I am confident that I need to continue to lean into myself to believe in greater and better things to come --- professionally and personally. Self-love is powerful. Don't oversentimentalise it. Don't underestimate it. Simply do it.
Be Thou My Vision, God of Love and Life.
Today, I am confronted with my gratefulness for this time and space and place in life. It is an intersection of rest and growth and cultivation of who and what and where I want to be this summer and next and the non-rush of it all. “Be Thou My Vision” and “Stand By Me” are two of my favorite songs. FAVORITE. And they were played at the Royal Wedding today.
Such a beautiful personal reminder that God gives good gifts to His children. This time in my life is a gift. And so, let me shine my light for God as He stands by me. After all, I am Princess Megan to Him.
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Families. In. Global. Transition.
Take a look at each of those words individually. I am curious: which one or ones are the reasons you attended or are thinking to attend the annual Families in Global Transition conference?
I have looked at each of those words separately and have considered which one of the four is the reason why I have attended the Families in Global Transition conference for the past three years.
Transition.
My first FIGT conference was three years ago in Amsterdam, The Netherlands. I attended the one last year in The Hague, The Netherlands, and the one this year also in The Hague. Every year I’ve shown up with a different identity and with an entirely different research presentation.
Every year, I have been in a very different transition compared to the one I was in the year before.
Over the past three years, I have moved six times in three countries and five cities. I graduated from American University with my second Masters degree, completed a summer intercultural communication and personal leadership course, held three jobs, and co-founded a business. I have delivered over 30 presentations - both virtual and in person - and have become a co-chair of a global nomad member interest group at NAFSA. In a word, my life has been about:
Transition.
In 2016, I attended the FIGT conference with the identity of graduate student presenting research on the intersection between retirement and reentry for global families to their passport country. Having observed my parents go through this exact process the year before after living a global life for 40+ years, I spent my last semester of graduate school collecting data and stories about global families’ experiencing their new-found retirement. I'll post the report in the Academic Section of this blog platform.
In 2017, I attended the FIGT conference as an expat English language instructor in Poland. I presented my “single expat story” during the ignite/lighting speech part of the conference. This platform allowed me to share my perspective of the challenges and opportunities for a single adult living abroad. Again, personally, I was in a transition phase in life trying to find my path after graduate school
This year, 2018, I attended the FIGT conference as an independent consultant with Intercultural Transitions and led two presentations in The Hague: one as the Millennial Forum discussant leader and one as the Adult Third Culture Kid panel facilitator. These two leadership opportunities provided platforms for me to transition from my previous FIGT identities into one that I finally feel will stick around awhile: scholar-practitioner - that is, I conduct research and then implement it either through my own writing or own presenting. In other words, I help others:
Transition.
And this brings me to my perspective about how FIGT can
Transition.
From my three year experiences at the conference, the main focus of the attendees has been on the word Families. I get it. That’s why the organization was founded; to provide resources and research to families about how to successfully navigate a life overseas. This focus shouldn’t change. But I think there needs to be a shift in the nature of the conference itself.
Attending the conference feels like a family reunion. This year, I felt like I was seeing my older sisters present on their bad-a$$ consultancies and businesses. I felt like I was sharing both my professional and personal news to my inquisitive aunts (they were curious about my love-life even). And, I felt like I was introducing my friends (my first time attendee panelists) to my extended relatives I haven’t seen in a year. It is a cosy and secure feeling at this conference. I felt the support and the space to be vulnerable.
I even call one couple at the conference my FIGT parents. They made my attending the conference financially possible. They are my adopted FIGT parents and I love them so much! I am so grateful for their support and their belief in my vision. They told me, “Your voice needs to be heard at the conference. You need to be a part of the conversations.”
This conference is fondly called by many, “a reunion of strangers.”
But family, in my opinion it’s time to transition a bit, to pivot a little in our perspective and our approach of this “reunion.” Of this annual meeting. We need to in a word:
Transition.
And over the past three years, I have seen the beginning of this transition.
We need to invite others to our transition table.
We need to be intentional about gate-keepers who can provide funding for transition seminars.
We need to dig deep into transition research. I’m talking about peer reviewed research. Not “I’ve got a hunch” research.
We need to make our reach broader.
We need to diversify.
I had someone tell me at this most recent conference that they felt “left out” because they didn’t know the family as well as I did. They observed the hugs and smiles and inside jokes. And felt that they weren’t a part of the family reunion.
We need to take heed to this perception.
Transition.
Transition to hold more seats at the table.
Transition to connect with as many as we can at the conference.
Transition to a network that goes beyond the family unit. To the units that operate outside our family unit.
Transition from privilege.
Transition from inside/outside.
There is no doubt in my mind that we are on that track.
We need to remember that transition takes time.
Let’s not beat ourselves up that we haven’t arrived there. Let’s celebrate the 20 years this organization has grown and empower each other to expand it.
Thank you for making membership affordable for us millennials in transition. Thank you for giving us a platform. Thank you for giving us the space to share our perspectives. Thank you for asking for our input. Thank you for listening to us about how the family can diversify.
I look forward to seeing you all next year.
Oh, and family, since we’ve gone there in our conversations, I wouldn’t be opposed with you playing matchmaker for me. I would like to transition into a partnership. And perhaps, within the next few years, arrive with Family being the most significant word to me at the Families in Global Transition conference.
Love,
Megan -
Excerpt on Retirement : “That night before I returned to D.C., Dad, Mom, and I sat around our campsite fire in the campground on the outskirts of town. We stared into the burning embers as we thought about this new chapter in our lives. I looked up and told them how I admire them for their lifelong practice of seamlessly moving in and between social spaces gracefully and of being comfortable with interacting with anyone while having the ability to form meaningful conversations. I explained that I love the way they value relationships they have had overseas and how I sense how eagerly they look forward to those they will engage in domestically.
Most importantly, though, I told them that I was happy that they still had their wanderlust youthful spirit to travel and to be adventurous. ... ....At that moment, I saw the glow of satisfaction that not only had they anchored themselves to a place but had positioned themselves to lead us in a new story. A story with a HOME we chose for ourselves.”
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Personal Identity in “Success” : I am proud to be a millennial Adult Third Culture Kid. In and through these identities, I’m not necessarily following/have followed a linear path of/to “success”: good grades = good university = good job = good family = good retirement. That formula doesn’t/isn’t/hasn’t defining/ed my path. My “success” is not necessarily stability and security in my job. It is not my life structure [right now]. My generation and my fellow Adult Third Culture Kids are (re)structuring what “success” is and what it looks like. We value work-life integration, flexibility, sustainability, purpose, and intrinsic motivation. Our “risk” looks different from other generations’ “risk.” We value being someone rather than being something. We know that what we don’t want is just as important as what we do want.
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My narrative is different from your narrative, fellow ATCK. But we have a thread of similarity in our drive for “success.”
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Hey, Adult Third Culture Kids : Hold conversations with fellow TCKs. Discover how/if your identity is (dis)embedded in location, people, belongings, systems, ____________. Discuss core values and ways of knowing and being fundamental to your community. Unpack the culturally complex and nuanced life you lead. You’ll find commonality and clarity. And trust me: there is healing and closure in the process.
And quite frankly, the unexamined life stifles growth.
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Change : Whenever I go back to a place or reenter my passport country, I am struck by the change I see in both it and myself. The rate of change seems to be increasingly faster and more overt. What does that mean for identity? And for community? And for sense of belonging? It reminds me of a stream of water — always on course. Always in a state of movement. How do we cultivate a sense of rootedness in the fluidity of change?
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Adult Third Culture Kid Siblings : Has anyone else been watching the popular U.S. series “This is Us”? I watched Episode “Number 3” recently and felt so much connection to the feelings of [unresolved] grief and feelings of love and loss that the characters in the story acted out so authentically. The part where “Number 3,” otherwise known as “Randall” in the series, describes life as a game of pac man with chasing things and sometimes having old ghosts show up in different ways resonates so much with my personal TCK stories of (re)entry and moving from country to country. Randall said, “Decade after decade just eating those circles, I mean, trying different routes, trying his best to avoid all those ghosts.” Those “ghosts,” in whatever form for me, produce triggers of emotions and grief that I am running away from processing in and through my TCK identity.
Whereas Randall’s wife, Beth, says that his analogy is “bleak,” he says it’s “beautiful” and goes on to show how acknowledging, facing, and leaning into those “ghost” forms helps us to process current feelings and to understand the root of loss, pain, and unresolved grief. Every time I watch an episode of this show, it is so clear to me that unresolved grief in adulthood is complex and can appear in different ways.
One final line in the episode tonight stung and sprung instant salty tears streaming down my face. Randall’s adopted Dad, “Jack,” was narrating the final scene which showed various unresolved grief the siblings [Number 1, 2, and 3] were facing. He said, “And when one of you falls down ... the other one’s standing up.” It hit home. I thought of my relationship with my own brother. How when I have fallen down, especially in my various moves back to the U.S., he has stood up in support (financially, emotionally, wisely). And when he’s fallen down, I stand up for him. We may not understand why one another has fallen down, and it may take a few more episodes in our own series to get to that clarity, but we will be there for one another through it all.
We haven't been together in place for over a year now. But we've connected in emotional spaces to lean into the process of continuing to heal grief, feelings of loss, and helping one another to stand up taller than before. I love you, brother. I'm standing for you right now.
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Shoreline : "I stand on the beach and watch the waves. They remind me of who I am. Of where I’m going. They are my unbounded understanding of home." - Megan Norton
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Real Talk : This weekend, I had my Global Competencies Inventory assessment one-on-one debrief and the results cut through BS I was both telling myself and crafting for outward perception management. I have some serious re-entry work to do in terms of treating my present location as any other foreign place I've lived. I can start by being more inquisitive and getting involved locally! My cosmopolitanism remains high on the GCI scale but my inquisitiveness was strikingly low. This assessment helped me to realize that I need to launch forward with an intentional curiosity and integrate myself more into my surrounding community -- even if it is temporary. The one-on-one consultation also helped me to see with new eyes the importance of engaging with the present. Opening myself up to the possibilities around me will undoubtedly produce new ones exponentially. Hoping that this week I'll thrive in this renewed perspective and understanding of myself.
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In a TCK's personal identity formation, there are three anchors, which paradoxically, also function as mirrors: family, place, and community. Beth Knuckles explains that these three things that, "give us a place of grounding and strength...are also mirrors - reflecting back the messages of who we are as seen by these entities." Each move for a TCK perpetuates the (re)formation and (re)shifting of their unique anchors and mirrors. : : : So, a bit of advice from an ATCK : : : give TCKs the language to talk about their culturally complex experiences that begins with a conversation of likeness not of difference because ultimately if TCKs operate from an internalized message of "I'm different", then they are more likely to struggle to adapt, find commonality, and integrate. Janet Bennett says that TCKs who do not process the fluidity of likeness and difference will be "terminally unique"...and not in a healthy way. Consider the anchors and be mindful of how they are mirrors in different
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South Africa : I flew before I walked. I had an Afrikaans accent before I had an American one. I drank Rooibos tea before Koolaid. I moved to Pretoria when I was still in nappies and three years later I asked my Dad after deplaning in Washington D.C. when we were going back home. I didn't go back home until 25 years later and 20 additional houses had been considered home. The smells, the tastes, the sights, the sounds, and the touch surfaced a subconscious longing and an internal reconciliation for confronting a loss I didn't know I needed to grieve and to heal from. From this experience, I understand the need to revisit past homes and my heart countries when time and finances and spaces allow for it so I can cultivate a sense of closure for them.
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Home l0l : Having experienced multiple disruptions of places and belonging over time, I'm grateful for the consistent nest of safety, rest, and familiarity that is my parents' place. Parents of TCK's: don't underestimate the need for these things even into your kids' adulthoods. [i.e. Don't sell the bell; it's a transfer cue (tangible thing) intricately connected to place (and intangible things...like emotions)].
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Hey, You Need Us : "In an ever-shrinking world, the TCK will play an expanding role. As more links are forged, and as communication among members of different cultures becomes more and more common, the skills of adaptation and understanding which are developed by TCKs become invaluable. As the population becomes more mobile, more and more individuals will experience challenges to their self/identity, the need for a concept of home and roots, and the need for strategies for simple adjustment. In order to be able to help these people, we must understand and nurture the TCKs. Having developed between cultures, TCKs are positioned to become the mediators between cultures. Though they may never feel fully a part of a culture, they can be the bridge through which monocultural people learn to appreciate other cultures. These individuals have the resources which are needed to facilitate understanding between cultures with distinct value systems, histories, and norms. With their ability to perceive similarities and differences that might escape the notice of someone not accustomed to looking for cultural cues, TCKs have the potential to bring these groups together to find common ground. We need the TCKs." -Gary Weaver
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Abroad : Where's "abroad"? Is it everywhere but here? Is it the urge to be somewhere else? Is it implicitly conveying that elsewhere is better? Is it a commodity? Something that will change or transform your life? Hey- consider where you are! Don't be disrespectful of your home; as if home is not transformative or good. Don't mythologize "transformative" abroad experiences. Indeed, be aware of the danger / boundary you cross when using the word "transformative." Don't be burdened with illusions of "transformative"; it can be inflated rhetoric when referencing abroad experiences. Be present with your present. Otherwise you'll miss the magic and gift of it.
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Quotable & Relatable : "Look inside yourself, you are more than what you have become" • "The past can hurt, but, you can either run from it or, learn from it" • "Love will find a way" • "Never forget who you are" • "Love is never wrong and so it never dies" • "There's a perfect world shining in your eyes" • "...Till we find our place on the path unwinding..."
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The Lion King - quotable and relatable for any TCK. True Story: one of my TCK friends used the storyline in a job interview to convey her cultural context challenges and how she had to realize her upbringing shaped her to be a cultural navigator. (she got the job). I watched this film several times as a child and I still have the Simba stuffed animal on my shelf that I bartered for when I was 10 at a Korean street market. I sang the songs in school choirs (in Germany and in Japan). And two years ago, I saw the Broadway production in NYC (one of the best bday gifts ever btw). I have so many beautiful and strong memories from this story! And I was reminded of them when I captured this shot of one of the lions I interacted with at the Lion Reserve in South Africa.
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I'm again trying to find my place on this path unwinding... [you know you're an Adult Third Culture Kid when moment...] -
Culturally Unique : I had a wise professor say, "You have to leave your culture to understand it." I thought that meant I had to go to the other side of the world or to a remote village or to a country drastically different than my own to understand my culture. But it doesn't necessarily mean that. (It certainly C A N mean that and it D O E S mean that for individuals who go abroad for the first time and return home to feel everything is different). But what it means to people who don't go abroad is, for example, the intentional act of getting out of a comfort zone, or walking across the street to meet neighbors, or initiating a conversation with someone in another department at work. In doing these things, a new perspective is cultivated. A new understanding of ways of doing and being is discovered. I advocate that a starting point to understanding yourself and others is to leave your culture. You are a multicultural being operating in a multicultural community, in a multicultural country, in a multicultural world. Every single person is culturally unique. And it takes Y O U observing and interacting with the cultures around you- from your yoga class to your adjunct department to your cafe barista to appreciate the diversity in culture and to realize that you don't have to go very far to have a heightened awareness of the cultures you move in and out and between. Let's move together to understand the C U L T U R E S we live in so we can understand ourselves better.
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Coffee, Communication, & Connection : One of my favorite standing traditions with my Mom is conversing with her over a good cup of coffee at a café. We kind of fell into this tradition when we lived in Tokyo when I was in my awkward early teen years. The transition I had experienced at that time in our move from Germany to Japan was one of the most challenging I can recall in my upbringing. I think it was a combination of the terrible insecurity that accompanies teenage identity development coupled with the difficulty I experienced in making friends in a quite snobby private school. On the weekends, mom and I would choose to go to one of the 4 Starbucks that was within a 1 mi/2.5km radius of our Roppongi townhouse. I remember always ordering a Tall Mocha. We would try to get seats near a window because we both loved people watching (we still do). As we watched and drank our coffees, Mom would gently probe about what was in my heart - the good, bad, ugly - and she listened deeply to each story. I can't say that I remember a specific piece of advice she followed up with after each story. But that's not the point of this reflection anyway. The reason I share this is because I want to encourage parents of TCKs to establish traditions with each of their kids, to demonstrate listening deeply, and to take responsibility for the mental and emotional wellbeing of their children. Expat children and parents experience transitions differently, so maintaining communication and demonstrating care are crucial steps in the process of creating understanding, establishing stability in the family unit, sustaining trust, and learning how best to support one another. It is also a way to demonstrate and encourage vulnerability. The coffee tradition with my mom into my adulthood has helped me to not feel abandoned when I have experienced a lot of abandonment of both people and places. It has been integral in maintaining attachment to feelings of gains - not to the feelings of losses in over 30 moves we experienced (together/separately) thereafter. It has contributed to my sense of what my priorities in life should be, and that includes making time to go to cafes with my friends!
TCK parents, I encourage you to take your child/ren aside one by one to get to know their emotional estate; what's in their heart. Coming from a ATCK, know that this very practice my mom employed (at an especially vulnerable time in my life) shaped me into a more resilient, empathetic, and culturally aware person today. Never underestimate or apologize for your probing. Always make time to listen.
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On Missing : It's ok not to miss everyone every minute of the day. But it's also ok to miss everyone every minute of the day. The important piece of this is acknowledging that space can trump place; meaning, you can be in the same space emotionally and mentally and supportively whilst not being physically in the same place. As a Millennial Adult Third Culture Kid, there are a couple metaphors I've discussed with others about this space/place concept. For example, consider a garden to represent your family, friends, community (and yourself too). Each of you represent a different species in the garden but you are a part of the same unique garden...in the same space but not necessarily in the same place. Perhaps your immediate family is the same species, and you are an extension of it. Rooted in similar, but uniquely different ways. Each one is growing at different speeds. Perhaps some are fractured in certain ways but not broken off or uprooted from the species. .....The metaphor can be endless..... And as the species learn to do better in surviving and thriving through element changes, experience, and help from the gardener, so do we as we continue to learn about how to cultivate communities of care for ourselves and for others in the growth, in the seasons, and in the changes. Life is not static in any way. And it's ok to miss my family and upbringing and to not miss it at all. Because life is also about living in and through those contradictions and tensions and continuing forward. Continue to acknowledge each other and prune the entanglements that don't let you thrive. We're in this large garden together. 🌱
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Having grown up in high-context cultures all across the globe, one of the greatest reverse culture shock experiences in reentry for me has been understanding US-America’s low-context communities, especially as it is played out in my own family dynamics. Recently, I have been confronted with my high-context way of being juxtaposed to my extended family’s low-context way of doing. This internal sub conscious negotiation surfaced to my consciousness when extended family was in town for step-Grandma Jayne's funeral.
I was raised as a Third Culture Kid in high-context cultures. This means, for example, I developed a sense of “normal” to be: protecting family above all else, focusing on human connection through hospitality, and prioritizing intentional time with friends. I realized how different my values are to some of my extended family members’ when they did not help to care for Jayne or Grandpa the way I expected them to during her rapidly declining health. Mom, Dad, and I, operating from our high-context cultural mentality, used our time, money, and energy to support Jayne and Grandpa every way possible. We were deeply hurt when our extended family (especially Jayne's) praised themselves in how they had done so too, viewing it through their low-context perspectives. Low-context lenses don't consider loyalty or connection in the same way as high-context ones.I was hurt today when I wasn't invited out to eat lunch with some family members with Grandpa. It was obvious and obnoxious how they went out of their way NOT to invite me. This experience I had today is so diametrically opposed to my high-context ways of thinking and being. I have been hurt by these family members before in the way they operate transactionally in low-context ways so what they did to me today shouldn't have surprised me.
It's days like today that I wish I were abroad in one of my former high-context cultures; where my sense of belonging was robust in communities that weren't always composed of blood family but were always composed of authentic family.
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To Each Other : Would you agree that what we were taught in Kindergarten are some of T H E key foundational lessons of life? The lessons even came in easy sing-song-like rhyming couplets such as "sharing is caring!" But have you ever considered how some of those lessons could be ethno-centric or culturally-based? I was taught The Golden Rule in Kindergarten: "treat others as you would wish to be treated." I thought this was a pretty straight-forward lesson. But in moving to several other countries in my upbringing (and in adulthood), I learned that The Platinum Rule is far better in intercultural interpersonal relationships: "treat others as they would like you to treat them." This rule is ethno-relative, meaning it encourages you to consider the cultural context you're in and to practice perspective taking. How would my friends here feel valued, appreciated, and heard? How can I show respect? What does respect look like here? What does K I N D N E S S look like here? It may be as simple as taking off your shoes before you enter your friend's house. Or not being offended when you bring over a hostess gift, your friend doesn't seem bothered to open it right away (because in some cultures, it's more important to pay attention to the guest, not the gift). If you feel offended, you're not practicing the Platinum Rule. Consider your cultural-context. Practicing realistic cultural empathy and building authentic relationships requires you to understand your cultural lenses and to shift your perspective to see how you can serve your friends better. Context is golden. But Culture is King. Be kind in the way the cultural-context operates. [And by the way, that does require you to take off your metaphorical shoes so you can walk a mile in theirs]
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"The construction and interpretation of "home" is not bounded by the location of origin anymore. Rather, it is a process of reconciling the fluidity of identity and meaning-making practices with relationships and objects. The underpinning framework of home is the understanding that it is an emotional place; where one truly belongs."
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In my second round of graduate school, I dove deep into exploring my ATCK identity. My program at American University allowed me the flexibility to do independent studies and semesters abroad not only to research but also to sit with the liminality of it all. I am grateful for the professors, mentors, and peers who helped guide my processing and reflecting.
I have decided to include an "Academic Papers" link to this non-blog to showcase some of my written graduate work. The excerpt above is from my paper titled here as "Home."
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"A story is never complete until it is told, heard, and understood."
As an Adult Third Culture Kid, I have a lot of stories to tell of my global background. Of my safaris, my international school field trips, my advice on luggage, my speaking three languages in one sentence, my definition of home, my favorite restaurant in Tokyo, etc. When I was a K I D moving to another country, I found it a bit easier for others to understand me - and my story/stories. As just another foreigner in the foreign school, I had an understanding that most of my friends had just moved from another country as well...not their passport country necessarily. We just got each other...as kids do. And we loved each other's stories. [You bet 'Show & Tell' looked a bit different in the international school compared to a homogeneous one].
But now, as an A D U L T, I'm finding that my global stories are not as well received when I tell them to my coworkers, family, or even fellow adult friends. The stories are considered, sometimes, as bragging and/or exaggerations. Too Exotic. Too unbelievable. The (non)reaction I perceive and experience has silenced me on more than one occasion and I have downplayed - or even hid - my international upbringing. Sometimes, I don't mention my TCKness identity in order to fit in with my new community. I don't want to alienate myself because of jealousy or misunderstanding. But this is a T R A G E D Y. People need to hear my stories. Stories of diversity. Stories of adventure. Stories of what has (re)shaped who I am today. But it takes an effort on my part to (re)frame these stories so they are heard and understood. I can try to link them to a frame of reference or compare them to someone else's story.
But not be silent.
In telling my story, perhaps I can discover someone else who has struggled with reentry into their passport country and we can tell our stories together, or someone else who has felt marginalized as a minority, or someone who has even used a wooden toboggan to sled down a Swiss alp at 10 years old.
Hey fellow travelers, TCKs, wanderers, nomads, friends: tell your story so it's heard and understood.
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A couple months ago in Western Michigan, I had coffee with Michael Pollock (son of David Pollock, co-author of "Growing Up Among Worlds") (and by the way the newest edition is hot off the press: "Third Culture Kids"). We talked about our (non)writing thoughts and discussed the posts we have in our (non)existent blogs and what a (non)blog might look like. Months later...this is my attempt at a (non)blog.
My non-blog looks like this (right now): the majority of the blurbs are short, most of the posts are succinct, but all of the thoughts produce additional ones.
Perhaps, as this venture proceeds, I'll have longer posts. Perhaps, I'll have a lot to say about something. Perhaps, I'll want to get back into writing more after recovering fully from my second master's degree academic papers. But for the beginning, expect short. I have the ATCK change mentality, so expect a mixture of both long and short posts long-term.
I am excited to share with you my
Adult
T H I R D CULTURE KID
thoughts, inspirations, and questions.
To be clear, I'm going with the classic definition of an "Adult Third Culture Kid" : an individual who has spent his/her developmental years living outside of his/her passport country...........And is now grown up.
I'd love to hear your thoughts, inspirations, and questions on this ATCK identity!
Yours,
Megan